Losing the ones you love to dementia
My mom has dementia. Her father had dementia. Her grandmother had dementia. Dementia is a thief that takes those we love before their bodies leave this life.
It is hard when dementia is creeping in on a family member you love. It is so easy to allow the excuses of “senior moments” instead of indicators of dementia. Those conversations that seem to repeat again and again are just memories mom likes to relive again and again, it isn’t dementia. So, mom locked herself out of the house with the toaster oven on burning toast, it can happen to anyone.
The turning point for my mom happened when she had back surgery and she reacted badly to the pain medications, as well as she refused to comply with a lot of her physical therapy. This brought her defenses down. My mom was extremely smart. This woman had a Master’s degree in sociology and was a GS14 in the federal government. She was well read and prior to this she could cover up a lot. So, when her guards were down the dementia raised its head and showed itself.
What I discovered is that dementia doesn’t change the person. What it does is it removes the filters of that person. Those things that the person keeps to themselves, are no longer locked in, or whispered. Those words, and attitudes, come out fully. My mom had issues with her weight her entire life, and dementia removed her filter when observing others of size. This is very awkward in public.
My mom was also extremely independent. After my dad’s death, for over 45 years, she hasn’t had to ask anyone for anything, or rely on others for assistance for much at all. Now she needs physical assistance for so much. This was a very difficult transition for her and this made her very angry. She did not want anyone in her business for anything and now, people are in her business for practically everything. This has to be her worst nightmare.
I do count myself lucky. I already said all the things I needed to say to my mom before dementia stole her reasoning and comprehension of our lives together. I don’t have any regrets. She is my mom. She fought for me. She raised me the best she could. She helped me the best way she knew how. She loved me.
Our conversations these days are extremely short. When I try to tell her things about my life she gets confused, so, we stick to the conversation of the cats I have and the job I work.
Dementia is awful. If family history is at all indicative of how long my mom will live she has 7 to 10 more years to live with this. I ache for her living trapped in this reality for another near decade.
Studies are making headway toward finding ways to reversing, or preventing, dementia. I am not holding out hope for my mom and other loved ones suffering right now. Barbara Bradley Hagerty in her book Life Reimagined quotes some studies, that do give me hope, which finds that brains that have the plaques and tangles indicative of dementia, and Alzheimer's disease, in people who did not show any symptoms in these people who had purpose, and lived active lives. This gives me marching orders for my midlife and senior years. (Active should be easy — I will not be retiring since my student loans will not be paid off until I am 65)
I do have less of a worry genetically because my genetic family has no indication of dementia. But I know that doesn’t completely bar me from this since food and other dietary items are found every day that can cause dementia.
My moral to this story is two-fold.
- Dementia doesn’t change the person — It simply amplifies the person and reveals their inner monologue.
- Say what you need to say to those you love. Do it now. Don’t wait. Don’t leave things unsaid. You may not ever get the chance to resolve your feelings if you don’t.
I miss my mom.
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