3 Things They Don’t Tell You About Being Bipolar
Trigger Warning: This Text Includes Content About Suicide.
I’ve always been a little sad. We all are.
Have you ever felt sad?
Of course, you have. That’s the one thing we have in common — our quest against pain, sadness and the diminishing light. With age, things do get better. You become more resilient. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves.
But life has a way to unleash horrors we’ve never seen before.
The people we meet and our experiences can tarnish and corrode our minds. Mostly by the broken adults we encountered when we were children. The letdowns, the abuse, the neglect and sometimes horrors that can’t be explained in words permanently leave a scar on who we are and our souls.
Sometimes, these scars can open floodgates imprinted on our genetic road map, create turmoil and set the stage for complex mental illnesses like Bipolar Disorder.
What is it like to be Bipolar?
I’ve been struggling with it ever since I remember. In my early and late teens, I suffered from depression that came and went away without much effort. But since I was afraid to talk about the abuse I’ve suffered, doctors couldn’t make sense of my full story.
I went on for years with waxing and waning moods. I thought it was normal and that everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone spent months doing nothing and then spent countless nights staying awake, making plans to take over the world or feeling that they were on top of the world. And that they all did self-destructive things and spent every dime they had on marijuana.
Bipolar is one of those things people tend to have a hard time understanding. They think it’s just feeling low and high or not being able to decide on one thing. I always felt that the old word for the disease made more sense: Manic Depression. It captured the essence of the whole thing.
Bipolar sounds like a diode you find in electronics. It is a Diode. It pushes my moods back and forth between the two states. It makes me want to throw away everything I’ve done and run around town at 2 am shouting I’ve achieved nirvana.
When the dust settles, and the long manic episode ends. I am left with no money and lost relationships and friends. It tells me I am not worthy, and I must put an end to all of it.
It plays a sad violin wherever I go. I want to strangle myself on those violin strings and leave all this behind because I am terrified of the next cycle. Over and over, we went round and round until I realised what I was suffering from.
I want more people to know my story. I want more people to know our story. People who survived Bipolar are some of the hardiest, funniest and most creative people you will meet. I want people to think of someone else other than Kanye when they hear the term Bipolar.
The itch of a mixed episode
How often does your mood wax and wane? Daily? I am assuming. And that’s fair; you wake up, have your coffee, head to work, and you might feel energised. When you get to work, your boss might give you grief, and you might feel slightly down.
Now let me tell you about my life; I would wake up, feel energised for the day, drink my coffee and wonder why I haven’t ended it all. I’d quit the job I do. I smoke so much weed till my lips are numb and write a really sad poem and delete it because it’s not good enough. Because every draft I write must be a masterpiece because I am gifted and the best damn writer the world has ever seen. Until I make a grammar mistake or use a bad metaphor, then I must kill myself.
This is the itch of the mixed episode. I struggle to keep my mood in one place because my mind is five years old, and it’s at the park, on a swing, going back and forth. There is no need for an underdog because no one understands how this dog feels. This is what you don’t see in the media. We are often portrayed as beings that sense everything, but this is the price of sensing it all.
You are so caught in the waves of emotions that make your self-worth bob up and down. You are a buoy stuck in an endless storm that fluctuates between night and day. And boy, you are dead broke, too, because you bought every stupid thing you can think of buying.
Not many of us survive a mixed episode. Most pay the ultimate price. Research shows that about 20% of people who have bipolar disorder and don’t get help might take their own lives. Also, between 20% and 60% of them try to do so at least once in their lives.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please get in touch with the nearest lifeline. Help is always available.
Trying to convince people you are mentally ill
We are all good at pretending. Bipolar or not. We pretend that the world is fine and there is nothing wrong with it. We all wear a mask one way or the other. There is no shame in it. To survive in the said world, we must often pretend to be fine so people don’t ask questions. Sometimes, well, most of the time, we pretend to be one of the same. Imagine being different?
But I was always different. I never fit in with the popular; that was my problem. So I pretended to be into loud tunes, partying and drinking what seemed like a swimming pool worth of liquor. That’s the problem with being mentally ill and twenty. You need to find out where the first one ends and the second begins. You seem fine; You seem okay. You seem like the ones around you. Until you are not.
Until it’s 3 am, and you want to punch a glass window. Oh? You just did? Well. Normal people don’t do that. So you lie to your friends about what happened. You go out again and drown yourself in Tequila. Be the life of the party. Come home, eat shitty ramen and cry. Cry till your eyes are dry and all that liquor is out of your system.
You try to tell your homies there is something wrong. But they ask you, “You? Man, you are the life of the party”. Yes, that is one of the symptoms. Who knew being too happy was a problem? So, no one will take your word for it. When you tell them you are depressed, they’ll leave. Or you’ll leave, and they won’t call you again.
No one will see what’s wrong with you. Not for years. Only when it’s too late or not till you are an obituary notice. This is why I am writing this. So people will talk to their moody friends and be there for them instead of ghosting them.
The delicate dance with medication
You know Elon is not the only one obsessed with Lithium. I am crazy about that stuff. Actually, I’d be crazy without it. It’s so divine. It literally has three electrons. The father, son and the holy spirit? Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva? The Trinity? Is that why we feel better with Lithium? Well, the truth is we still don’t know. We’ll never know.
I got super lucky with my medication. Well, I got super fat, too. I am still at somewhat of a healthy weight, but I can’t seem to lose it no matter what I do. I am not on a huge dose of anti-psychotics to keep psychotic episodes from happening, but not everyone is that lucky. Some people take ages to find the right combination of meds.
In fact, my symptoms got worse because doctors thought I had unipolar depression. This messed up everything, and I don’t have a way to undo what I did. Well, water under the bridge, right? Even with the right medication, finding your centre can be a real rollercoaster.
Here is a list of side effects from the most common drugs used to treat Bipolar Disorder:
- nausea
- shaking
- dry mouth
- frequent urination
- diarrhea
- weight gain
- increased thirst
- loss of appetite
- kidney damage
- reduced thyroid activity
- fatigue
- emotional numbness, or a “dull” feeling
So these are some of the things you need to know about being Bipolar. We don’t have the creativity we can sell. Most of us have comorbid illnesses or personality disorders to go along with Bipolar. We have issues holding down jobs and relationships and many issues that the media will never portray.
But we are a resilient bunch. We seek help. We thrive, and most of all, we leave the world a little better than we found it.
