Forgotten Memories
My Life With Dissociative Amnesia
Childhood trauma can bring forth many mental health conditions. And while some are generic like bipolar disorder, others are not. I was born into a Christian cult and grew up in an abusive home. The abuse, however, wasn’t strictly an at-home situation.
The majority of the abuse came from the church. The pastor did more harm than my father or mother did at home. But nothing went on in the home without his say-so. Sometimes the abuse started at school and followed me home where my father was waiting under the instruction to continue the abuse. With so much trauma endured as a child, my brain shut down those memories to protect myself. They became deeply repressed. And soon forgotten altogether.
Life went on. My family finally left the church. At around ten or eleven years of age, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder. I went through the trials of which medication would work and I went through many. Prozac, Seroquel, and Zoloft just to name a few. Later on in life, however, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia. I had never heard of Dissociative Amnesia before. So I did some research on my own. Looking through some medical journals I found that Dissociative Amnesia is,
a type of dissociative disorder that involves the inability to recall important personal information that would not typically be lost with ordinary forgetting. It is usually caused by trauma or stress.
- Dissociative Amnesia By David Spiegel , MD, Stanford University School of Medicine
The trauma I had experienced as a child had caused memory suppression. Although the forgotten information may be inaccessible to consciousness, it sometimes continues to influence behavior. Seeing as the trauma I experienced happened in a church setting I have difficulty setting foot in a church. Anxiety sets in and I can’t stop moving. My mind starts to race as memories flood my brain. Unfortunately there is no medication to take to help with this disorder. Although writing helps me deal with my trauma and also helps relocate those memories that have been lost.
In dealing with my bipolar disorder I take medication. As luck would have it I have found an amazing therapist that helps me through the pain. Memories come through in my dreams and she helps me with those as well.
I have wondered about hypnotherapy, to become hypnotized and unlock those repressed memories but my therapist has warned me against the dangers of doing so. I could potentially unlock my memories so traumatic that I wouldn’t be able to handle the outcome.
As of now, I write down my dreams in hopes to recall what has been lost. I want to write a memoir of my past life, I think it would help the healing process. But for now, I’m stuck. No matter how hard I try I simply cannot remember anything of my childhood. I suppose I should thank my brain for instinctively protecting me.
