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Let’s see if a nap will help.
May 5, 2025
I thought today was going to be a good day. But here I sit, tears running down my face. Why? I don’t really know. I do the things I know how to do to alleviate the pain in my core. It’s emotional pain. It’s an ache that is nothing at all like a heart attack but it feels just as life-threatening. It’s intense, unrelenting, and it’s scary as FUCK. I do my deep breathing. I rock in my chair. That’s weird, the rocking, but it helps. Then I decide to write about the pain.
My mind runs through possible causes of this particular bout of extreme sadness. There aren’t a lot of external triggers. The news is not good. Israel seems intent on a total and complete genocide of the Palestinians in Gaza. Reading that in the New York Times started the tears, but I’ve moved on to just the generalized pain of depression that floods my core. I’m upset about Trump posting a picture of him as pope, wondering what in the FUCK it is going to take to get people to recognize the guy is a batshit narcissistic sociopath and turn on him. Yesterday I asked David, “Where is the line???” He responded, “I don’t know.” The state of my country takes up a significant chunk of my thought energy all the time. There’s nothing I can do about it besides post the stuff I post. Incredibly small, largely insignificant act of civil disobedience. Who knows, really. But it’s all I can do, really.
