Life is Beautiful and I Want to Die

Embracing Joy, Drawn to the Dark

It’s 15 September 2024, the day of my wedding reception. I wore a beautiful blue dress, wrapped in glitter, with a touch of elegance. I stepped outside the room as I posed for the photographer. One of my best friends was walking towards me. I ran and hugged her. In just a couple of minutes, more friends and family gathered. I could feel the joy, and hear the laughter, echoing across the room. ‘We will be starting in 10 minutes,’ the coordinator informed me. The time finally came. I walked down the aisle with my arm wrapped in my Dad’s. I could feel the fresh air touching my face, the beautiful music in my ears, and the facial expressions of my loved ones. I read my vow, and once again, we were officially pronounced as husband and wife. The rest of the day was a blast. We had fun and engaging games, did our first dance, and had an enjoyable karaoke night. It was officially one of my core memories, the best night of my entire life, and a night to remember. It added up another reason for me to continue living. Life is beautiful.

Entering the honeymoon week, my husband and I went diving. It was a week in a hidden paradise. We were amazed as we explored the underwater world. I swam through the shoal of fish, swam towards the colourful corals beneath, and towards the beautiful sea creatures around me. It was magical. Life is beautiful. The holiday finally came to an end. I reached home as the week passed by. I tried my best to maintain my medications. Although, I did slip for a couple of days. The day after, I felt like I was in a different world. Here I stand, on this fragile line. Embracing joy, yet drawn to the dark. As if my magical nights meant nothing, the memories faded, and my suicidal thoughts haunted me. Each day, it became louder and louder. In a session with my therapist, all I could think of, was the thought of death, ruminating in my mind. I burst into tears as it got overwhelming. She hugged me and calmed me down. For in the struggle, comfort emerged. For all the wonder, day and night. A silent plea — when will I fly? Life is beautiful, and I want to die.