The Underlying Anxiety of Bipolar
When you’re scared of the rise and the fall.
On Edge
I don’t relax much. When I’m supposed to be relaxing, I’m worried. Fidgety. I never think I’m doing enough.
Things aren’t perfect right now. Work isn’t great. That’s a trigger. It causes stress and anxiety. Anxiety that never seems to leave me. It feels like depression making a false start over and over again. Teasing me.
Don’t tell me things can’t feel perfect, because I’ve been there before. My life has been perfect. I clearly remember telling people that it was and feeling amazing.
Not that I need perfection to be happy.
Of course, perfection can’t last. Something has to happen to trip you up. That’s the voyage you’re on. Turbulence is a part of the game.
I wonder if perfection brings me to self-destruction. Does life feeling too good lead me to hypomania?
I don’t think it does. I know I’ve felt great outside of being symptomatic. But I do think about letting myself get too happy, and what that might mean. I suppose in a way I’m scared of happiness and sadness now. That’s a big part of the anxiety.
Nobody wants to feel depression. It’s misery. But so is the crash after hypomanic episodes. That…
