Vortex Vertigo
A Dizzying Whirlwind
I can hear and see and sense the air around me, whipping in a frenzy, yet my hair does not move.
I can feel the vibration in my core, taste the sizzling energy;
I am aware of the earth spinning on its axis
as if I am separate and apart from it.
I can see the fire but do not feel its warmth.
I can see the ice but do not feel the chill.
Body wakes in the morning while Mind stands off to the side watching it slither from the bed, grappling for the pile of clothes discarded on the floor.
But those clothes won’t hide my nakedness.
Exposed.
My life reduced to shades of nude.
And not the sexy kind.
Mind tilts its head in quiet query as body shuffles its way to the bathroom with a limp, squinting eyes looking at a phone as if it will have the answers.
It won’t.
Mind raises its eyebrow inquisitively as it watches Body trudging toward the coffee pot as if the hot brew will somehow make us feel alive.
It doesn’t.
It’s the ether -
the Neither —
Not here. Not there.
Not alive. Not dead.
Not depressed. Not happy.
The nothing.
The numb.
I’m mildly aware of time ticking by while completely uncertain of what it is or what I’m meant to be doing with it.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
It passes.
I watch it go.
I watch it go.
Calendar dings with reminders to pay this bill, or make that phone call, or take those pills -
Adding a faux sense of importance to the day.
Things must be done.
Mind observes as Body sits on the couch, sipping coffee and swiping a dirty screen, hoping that what’s behind it will fill the void.
It won’t.
It won’t because,
like the universe,
it is infinitely expanding.
— I stuff my mind into books,
binding it between the covers,
Masking it in the pages
in worlds where mates exist
and love wins.
Where there are
happily ever afters
and no one
grows
old.
Alone.
I can hear and see and sense the air around me,
whipping in a frenzy,
yet
my hair does not move.
