What I Wish I Knew Then

Is my gift to you now

Photo by Pete Alexopoulos on Unsplash

There are some things I really wish I had known when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, or at the very least had clarity on what the meanings of certain words were. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so frightened of the unknown reality that I had been given.

My most recent diagnosis came long after a partially correct diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I was in the throes of a year-long bout with agoraphobia. My transition from military to civilian life didn’t go as smoothly as possible.

After two weeks of living at my mother’s, she decided it was too much for her and set me up to move in with an old mutual friend, someone I barely knew before I went into the Air Force. I had a bad mental reaction to that betrayal and just went into hard-freeze mode for about a year. That was my first experience with the understanding that my brain was indeed broken.

One day, I woke up and just left the house. I had an appointment with Yale University to determine if I could qualify for a study on depression.

After being left for a year, I hopped in my broken car and drove the twenty minutes to New Haven, Connecticut. This was probably not the wisest first activity to choose after being down for a year. I somehow managed to find the building and park. I went inside the building, found the right research department and took the test. When they came out with the results, I was dumbfounded. Borderline personality disorder?! To me, that was a death sentence. I didn’t have depression. I had a mood disorder. This would have been a good time to understand what a baseline reading meant.

I feel now, nearly 20 years into my journey, had I become friendlier with the process, it would have been less frightening.

Why is baseline important?

A baseline in the context of a mood or behavior refers to an individual’s typical or usual state. It is a reference point against which changes or deviations can be observed. Establishing a baseline often requires collecting data over a reasonable time frame to account for natural variations. In a clinical or therapeutic setting, mental health professionals or medical practitioners may be involved in measuring and interpreting an individual’s baseline in order to make informal assessments and interventions.

1. Mood and Emotions — Baseline mood can be measured by assessing an individual’s typical emotional state over certain periods of time. This might involve self-assessment or other use of standardized questionnaires that gauge mood. Also, standardized questionnaires that gauge mood levels observing an individual’s emotional responses and stability during their day-to-day activities can also help establish their baseline mood.
2. Behavior patterns — Baseline behavior can be measured by observing an individual’s consistent actions and reactions in various situations. This involves tracking their usual behaviors routines and interactions with others over certain time periods. Deviations from these established patterns can then be identified as significant changes.
3. Physical Health — In terms of physical health, baseline measurements might involve taking regular recordings of vital signs such as blood pressure and heart rate.
4. Cognitive Function — Baseline for cognitive function can be established through cognitive test and assessments that measure memory attention, problem solving, and other cognitive abilities. Over time, changes in cognitive performance can be compared to the established baseline to detect any declines or improvements.
5. Sleep patterns — Baseline sleep patterns can be measured by tracking an individuals sleep duration, quality, and timing over a period of time. This can help identify any disruptions or deviations from their usual sleep habits.

So I tried to stay compliant with hypnotherapy, which is what I thought was the only therapy possible at the time. I also fell into an anonymous group, though I’m not sure I ever got sober. I somehow managed to get nearly through a decade of hardcore addiction, alcoholism, a marriage and a faded career without any true continual mental health services. I had a personality disorder. “Deal with it,” was my motto.

My 40th birthday was the best birthday ever, filled with a paper tiara, carrot cake, and a locked ward. It was the perfect ending to the alcohol and pill surprise party I gave myself for New Year’s Eve. Welcome to the system.

At 42, I was not compliant and not caring. Two years after receiving my bipolar diagnosis, I was still living in the world of pity and disgrace. I was attending mandatory therapy but not doing anything to help myself. I found myself on the other side of a bottle of vodka and 5 monthly prescriptions. I died temporarily.

Photo by Markus Frieauff on Unsplash

What is comorbidity?

A comorbid diagnosis refers to the coexistence of two or more medical conditions or disorders in an individual comorbidity can impact each other’s management and may require specialized care to address the interplay between the conditions. It is important to remember that each person’s experience with comorbid conditions can vary and professional evaluation and treatment are crucial to managing these conditions effectively.

1. Anxiety disorders—Generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorders, social anxiety disorder.
2. Substance Use Disorders — Individuals with a bipolar diagnosis may be at higher risk of developing substance abuse issues.
3. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder — Bipolar and ADHD can co-occur mainly in children and adolescents.
4. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder — Traumatic experiences can lead to PTSD for individuals with bipolar disorder.
5. Eating disorders — Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge-eating disorders.
6. Borderline personality disorder — There can be overlapping symptoms between bipolar and borderline.

Nearly 20 years later, those dark early days of not knowing anything to use to make me feel better are long gone. For some of you, they are today days old, so welcome.

I wish I would have known the real importance of all the things I was made to do: IOP, PHP, groups, AA, etc. When I am told I have to do something, it then becomes an enemy to me. I now understand lifestyle and compliance to therapy and meds are central to flourishing with your bipolar. Choosing your therapist or therapist strategy are huge. Here are some tips.

Photo by Leuchtturm Entertainment on Unsplash

How to choose a therapist:

1. Identify your needs — Determine what specific concerns or issues you want to address.
2. Type of therapist — Decide on the type of therapist you’re looking for. Options include psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional counselors and marriage and family therapists.
3. Credentials and specializations — Ensure that the therapist is licensed and has appropriate credentials. Look for a therapist who specializes in treating bipolar disorder or mood disorders as this expertise can be beneficial.
4. Recommendations—Seek recommendations from trusted sources such as your primary care physician, mental health professional, friends or family members who have had positive experiences with therapists.
5. Online directories — Use online therapist directories to search for qualified therapists in your area.
6. Insurance coverage — If you have health insurance, check with your provider to see which therapists are covered under your plan. This can help narrow down your options.
7. Accessibility — Consider factors like the therapist's location, office hours, and availability for appointments. Choose a therapist who has a schedule that is aligned with yours.
8. Initial consultation — Many therapists offer a free consultation initially. Use this opportunity to ask questions, discuss your needs and get a sense of how well you connect with the therapist.
9. Communication style — Consider if the therapist communication style aligns with yours, your goals, and preferences. Do they actively listen, do they offer guidance, and involve you in your treatment decisions?
10. Cost — Inquire about fee payment options and whether the therapist offers sliding scale fees or accepts insurance.

Once you are working with people you can trust, including yourself, the acceptance of your diagnosis is as easy as eating pie. Well, okay, not really, but it doesn’t need to be torturous, either. Having a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is not your fault. It does fall between nature and nurture.

However, for me, forgiveness has been the biggest step in my growth.

Forgive yourself for all the things you didn’t know before you knew. Stop hurting yourself by finding fault with everything you do or have done.

Do drop the baggage of who you were taught to believe you are to grab the future of who you are meant to be within your panorama. This will be paramount in your healing and growth acceptance of your bipolar diagnosis.