The “R-word”: Roommate Edition
Best Buddies Program Manager Annie Arditti shares how the R-word can negatively impact interactions, but positivity can be achieved through advocacy.
I ran into an acquaintance of mine a few weeks ago at the grocery store. We pulled to the side of the fruit section as we caught up and asked how each other were doing. As she was finishing her story, she ended with “That’s so retarded”. I did what I always do the second I hear the R word. I cringed, closed my eyes, and did a little “ughhhh” in my head. As I tried my best to keep my composure, she followed up with,” sorry I know that word is probably offensive to you”. Then I thought, “Well, good for her for recognizing that I work with individuals who have an intellectual or developmental disability, and yes she probably remembered that I also have an older sibling who has autism”. The part that got me was the way she followed up and tried to save herself from the situation — “that is probably offensive to you”. Yes, that word is absolutely offensive to me, but it’s not just me, it offends my family, my friends, my brother, my coworkers, my students I work with, any other person who has an IDD and every person involved in their lives as well.
The R-word hurts, plain and simple. It is unnecessary to use and the majority of the time it is not even used properly. I can’t help it, but it makes me look down on the person who chooses to use the word so carelessly.
When I moved to the city, I luckily moved into a house with three random roommates, all happened to be special education teachers. Within minutes, we were saying how great it is that we have the same passion for working with students with special needs and one thing we don’t have to worry about is having to awkwardly tell someone to not use the R-word in our own house. Fast forward a year later, and those three roommates moved in with their boyfriends, and I had to refill spots in my house with random people. When the new roommates came in, one of first words that came out of her mouth was the R word. Again, I followed up with automatically cringing, closing my eyes, and doing a big ol “ughhhhh” to myself.
I needed to remind myself that not everyone grew up in the same life style as me, and not everyone around me knows my number 1 rule is to not use the R-word. I forget people simply do not know how offensive the R-word truly is. So instead of looking down on her and judging her for using the word, I decided to use it as a learning lesson and let her know my story, and why I absolutely cannot stand hearing that word.
A year later, she has volunteered and attended over 5 Best Buddies events with me. She has become friends with many of the individuals I work with, helped plan my buddy’s birthday party, and attended Tastebuds, the Friendship Walk, and one of my school’s assembly on spread the word to end the word. She still to this day comments on how embarrassed she felt that one of her first words in our house was the R-word, and didn’t realize how uneducated she sounded when she used to say that word.
I will always be an advocated for individuals with IDD, and stand up to the people who don’t understand how offensive the word is. It is belittling and attacking a group of individuals who are just as equal and important as anyone else. I encourage anyone out there who has friends or family who use the R word, to simply explain to them why it is so hurtful and how it is offensive. There truly is no greater feeling than having a person come up to you and tell you they now feel the same way you do when they hear the R word. Without correcting the people who so inappropriately use the word, they will never learn who and how much of a community they are offending, because remember it is not just me, or my buddy, it is my entire family, coworkers, friends, my students, my students families, and anyone else who has the amazing pleasure of having a friend with a disability.
