Ask more (and better) questions

Part three of five ways to be emotionally woke

Sneak peek number three of the advice shared in our book, we wanted to expand on last week’s ‘Master active listening’ and talk about questions.

Unless you’re a lawyer, a doctor or a journalist, it’s unlikely you’ve ever been trained on how to ask good questions. It’s a massive oversight by society, because good questions are the key to unlocking meaningful social interactions.

Researchers from Harvard Business School found that people simply don’t ask enough questions: one of the most frequent complaints following a social interaction is “I wish he or she had asked more questions”.

Another Harvard study tasked half of the entrants at a speed-dating event with asking at least nine questions in their first conversation, while the other half were told to ask barely any. The ‘questioners’ were liked more and asked on more second dates. In fact, asking just one more question on each date meant that participants persuaded one additional person (over the course of 20 dates) to see them again. They also learned more personal details about their partners and shared more with them.

Not all questions are equal, however. Follow-up questions are especially effective, as they demonstrate you’ve really been listening and show a genuine interest to hear more about a particular topic. Open-ended questions allow the other person more space to offer information, but shouldn’t be incessantly used as this can put too much emotional labour on them. It’s best to gauge their enthusiasm to a few open-ended questions, keep going if they are volunteering information and throw in some easier closed questions if they’re less forthcoming. Starting with an interesting but not too intense question, and then working up in intensity, seems to be the most productive approach for strengthening a relationship. This is the structure followed by the intriguing list of so-called ’36 questions to make you fall in love’. These questions were given to pairs of strangers and, after just 45 minutes of talking them through, the strangers felt closer to each other than the closest relationships in the lives of 30% of similar people.

The best part of all? By starting to ask more and better questions, we improve our emotional intelligence, which in turn makes us better questioners: it’s a virtuous cycle.