Say no more often

Part one of five ways to be emotionally woke

Echoing our firm beliefs that the benefits of therapy should be available to everyone, we worked with qualified therapists to collate some of their best advice into a book called ‘How to be Emotionally Woke’. In this blog series, we’ll be sharing five of the 21 pieces of wisdom from the book.

Being a good person doesn’t mean being amenable. When we say ‘yes’ all the time, we are effectively prioritising the needs of others at the expense of our own. When done carefully it’s selfless; when done endlessly it shows a lack of good boundaries. By continually saying yes when we mean no, we unconsciously tell ourselves that what we want doesn’t really matter.

It leads us to do things we don’t really want to do, or spend time with people we don’t really want to spend time with, which over time builds up into resentment and frustration that will eventually work their way out somehow. They always do. Saying yes too much also drains us of energy and leaves us unclear of our own goals, and having clear goals to work towards is one of the strongest correlates with life contentment and satisfaction. It also creates inflation on our yes: if we say yes to everything, our yeses essentially become worthless. No one has to earn them; they simply expect it. We can’t back up our yeses, as we say yes to so much that it’s hard to deliver them all.

Not only does saying yes too much make us worse off, it’s also worse for others. When our focus is always directed outwards, it’s hard to work out what really matters to us, what we really like doing, and who we really are. We become ‘slippery’. As we’re always trying to anticipate what other people might want or need, and adapt our behaviour accordingly, it’s hard for the people in our lives to feel like they can really understand and know us. We become mirrors of those around us.

Not being able to say no stems from the desire to please others, and to receive love and validation. Try to notice when you’re feeling reactive and are in a fearful, approval-seeking mode. Think extra carefully about what you’re agreeing to when in this mode, and remember you never have to make a decision in the moment: it’s always acceptable to ask for some time to think it through.

Every yes is a no to something else, so pick them carefully.