Ask Olive

Should I Give Us Another Chance?

Advice for those who want it

Dear Olive,

I met my wife 20 years ago, in high school, and we have two kids. Five years ago while I was more focused on my work than I was on her, she met someone and has been cheating on me with this man since. I discovered this three years ago. First I wanted to leave, but I didn’t feel able. She didn’t want to leave either, she just wanted to live with me as a roommate and keep seeing that man.

I have never accepted this. At the time I didn’t know that she’d been in love with him for two years, and I thought it would end. I thought that by being more present and patient that I would win her back. After two years of enduring her relationship with him and seeing no progress, I decided it was time for me to try to forget about her.

But as soon as I met someone with whom things could get serious and asked her to leave, she began to show interest for me. Twice I left the woman I met for her, and twice my wife finally was not able to end things, on her side, with her lover. A few times she tried, but each time she’s gone back to him after a few weeks.

I know I should open my eyes, see that she doesn’t love me, and leave. Sometimes we seem to decide that it is over, but neither of us seems able to act.