Ask Olive: Where Do I Go From Here?

Advice for those who want it

Dear Olive,

I was in a relationship with someone for eight years. We were on and off, through high school and university, but we always remained close, even when we weren’t together — usually with the understanding that the timing or circumstances beyond our control weren’t right, and that we might return to it someday.

Around a year ago, we broke up because he said he was overwhelmed with work and didn’t feel capable of putting in the kind of emotional labor required to sustain what was, at the time, a long-distance relationship, and I was tired of feeling resentful. I thought we could work as friends for a while, because my expectations would be different — I’ve always thought that being an adult meant recognizing when other people are trying their best, and accepting that things would be messy and that that was okay.

This arrangement wasn’t always easy, but we seemed to be doing fine for the most part, and we even resolved some long-standing issues. Recently, though, I found out that he had actually gotten involved with someone before our relationship ended. And that he was putting in exactly the kind of effort, with her, that he told me he wasn’t ready for. It feels a little like he substituted our relationship for theirs: I learned that he carried over…