All you need is love. Or… is it?
“All you need is Love, ta-ta-da-da-da”…Thus sang the Beatles about one of the most deeply programmed and unquestioned fallacy of all times.
It is a beautiful and elevated thought, but is it true?
Love is the drive for the forming of the universe. It is at the core of life. And it is indeed essential.
But it is not all you need.
I will not mention air, water and all the practical and physical things needed for survival. I assume most of us are well aware of those. But even in terms of human interactions and relationships, apart from Love I learned that one needs things like:
- Respect
- Safety
- Care
- Honesty and loyalty
- Undivided attention and presence (Why? Because connection is woven upon these.)
- Mutual understanding
- Support
- And, in intimate connections, sexual satisfaction.
And the list can go on because a relationship is a seedling that needs many factors not only to survive, but to thrive.
Too often though the fact that love is there makes us somehow wipe off the realization that these other needs are not met. And if we love someone who cannot deliver in these other aspects, I notice that a certain kind of emotional and cognitive dissonance takes place. As if our minds cannot put in the same space these two different truths:
1 I love them and
2 They cannot or will not deliver in terms of my needs — without getting in a perpetuum unproductive and unrepaired conflict.
And I am not saying that the source of these is outside of yourself. No, you always need to fill your own cup. But if your interactions do not reflect what you inwardly hold for yourself love is not a good enough excuse to tolerate that.
Love can be indeed a good engine that brings people to grow and level up, but only to the degree they are capable, ready and willing to. And discerning which is the case requires clarity and self-respect.
Still there is this deep rooted, almost unconscious belief that if we prioritize our needs over the love we have for another (be it partner, friend or parent), we are either selfish or we betray LOVE in itself.
And when I look at this belief close enough I feel baffled, for it is rather absurd. Nevertheless it drives us from the shadows, silently…
Thus, we too often stay caught in hopeless cases and unfulfilling situations, burning our precious short time on earth on the altar of a god that never listens.
So… maybe… the lesson and the challenge is to become able to say:
“I love you… but I need more.” Unapologetically and vulnerably.
“I love you very much. But I deserve a better treatment.”
And probably the hardest one: “I love you… Good bye.”
We need to grow so clear, honest and stable within ourselves to be able to hold both apparently opposite truths in our hands and not try to deny any of the two.
I confess, I too am still learning.
