The Inner Reason Why You Can’t Focus
I do not feel fine. Let me amend that by writing this, and forgive me if it causes anything to you. But for every truth, there must be a sour taste before it is consumed.
There is something in me that tells me I am mediocre. That I walk with men not in equal, but in lesser equal. I wish not to compare myself in a manner of competency, for one must not bring himself down to a certain degree of the better or the lesser human. For all humans are equal, but different. Be it through their situations, characters, environments, or people around them. But what begs the question is, why can’t I truly work? Why can’t I move forward and become something greater than myself? Why am I even comparing myself to others to begin with? Why am I constantly focusing on bettering myself over others, when the worst enemy around me, is me? Why do I like to tell stories about people and let my ears be pleasured by the good and the bad of others? Why have I left my Self for thoughts that are not mine?
Thoughts over thoughts, and so came a sound from my Self. I am writing what it says, stealing its words. It says
“You have left me and wore masks that caused your mind to forget me. You expect men to remember you and your deeds, yet you yourself cannot remember them. Why have you turned yourself on this? Can’t you see, o Self, that I am your worst enemy? That I am more than ready to get you down? Can’t you see that should your mind be swayed over the stories of other men, you shall lose sight of me? And as soon as you do, all i will see is your back to me, your insecurity wide open for me to speak and judge you silently yet so loudly?”
This inner Self. God damn this inner Self. A war in itself. It will get itself lost like that of an angry child, who wishes nothing except to get away from its abusive owner. That owner has been abused, and so it abuses.
But why? Why, I ask?
“Why don’t you simply get your mind out of the circle of men? The circle of society, and focus only on the world of you and yourself.”
This Self is like that of the devil. I don’t trust this phrase that I’ve written.
Or — wait. I —
“The inner war is far greater than the wars out there. For the wars out there have all begun from the lost inner wars. Why become like them, and hope to be better than them, when you cannot be better than me? Your Self?”
“Oh no. Don’t grab your phone and move on. Don’t go to your kitchen and look for something to keep your tongue and, most of all, your mind busy for the short term. Don’t run away from me. I am here, not following you. For I am you. You cannot run away from what is you. Confront me. Or wear your common mask, and I will wear mine. But no matter what, my voice never has a mask.”
…
That is all it has said… It left a note in my mind. This question keeps repeating itself loudly in my mind again and again. Let me write it for you, in case your own Self has run too far to ask this, or perhaps has already asked this.
Why hope to be better than them, when you cannot be better than your Self?
