What are you doing here?

And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” — 1 Kings 19:9b

A month after iBridge camp, this question pops up again. I don’t think I answered it the first time. I was going to blog after camp, but obviously, I didn’t. And, as things go, it slips away. Out of sight, out of mind. I’m back home. I’m back doing normal, everyday things. The question doesn’t matter anymore.

Until it rears its head again in RealmMakers.

What are you doing here?

  • I’m here because I got a scholarship to come.
  • I’m here because I’m crazy enough to fly halfway around the world.
  • I’m here because I write.
  • I’m here because I like standing around awkwardly fretting about how I’m an idiot.
  • I’m here because God wants me to be here.
  • I’m here because I am not alone.
Sort of related? Maybe? Anyway, I just like this song. It popped into my head.

Elijah thinks he’s alone. He’s fighting his battle alone. Everyone else has fallen. Everyone is out to get him.

But that’s not true.

There are seven thousand others who have not bowed to Baal or kissed him. I don’t know about you, but 7,000 is a pretty big number. Lookit all the zeros!

It’s almost exactly two years since I left the day job. (1 year, 11 months and some days, if you want to be precise). I feel like I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’ll ever know.

I’m wavering between conviction and uncertainty. I’m pushing on, but pulling back. I’m venturing forward, but also hedging bets. It’s working, but it’s also really not.

It’s limbo. It’s hell.

(It’s also not the kind of thing you tell people, but here I am. Truth begets truth and there is too much truth in this conference. Not that that’s a bad thing.)

What are you doing here?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Random things I want to ask Ted Dekker and Mary Weber: As an MK and a PK, how do you just not want to run away?

Were you looking for a resolution?

Sorry to disappoint.