Who do you say I am?

Anna Tan
Anna Tan
Feb 9 · 2 min read

When there is nothing left, when all is said and done, who is He to you?

There’s a reason I don’t believe in church, whilst I believe in the Church Glorious. And it’s all tied up with what it has become to me, the facets I refuse to face. Is it trauma? Maybe it is.

What is your faith anchored on?

Growing up in the church is very different from joining one after you’ve come to faith. It’s also very different from moving churches, transplanting yourself from one congregation to another. But church is community and fellowship and fei-low-ship and despite the atmosphere, despite what any church aspires to be, you bring your environment with you in your expectations and your reactions and your very presence.

I have learnt, through many long, weary years, that I am not needed anywhere. That I can disappear and no one will notice, no one will care. And it is a difficult thing to unlearn.

What is your faith anchored on?

There is a myth — faithfully perpetuated every Sunday — that to be a Christian is to live a #blessed life. Even if you’re struggling, even if your life is falling apart, even if you’re on the bridge, about to jump. But God’s blessings come in different forms and sometimes it’s hard to understand that a trial may be a blessing or a blessing may be a trial.

So I push on, despite the not knowing, because once, I believed; once, I heard Him loud and clear; and if He won’t let me go, neither will I.

What is your faith anchored on?

You serve because it’s what you were brought up to do; to not serve is to not exist in the church. To not serve is to say that you do not wish to stay, to acknowledge that you have not yet found your place. But there comes a time when ministry becomes a slog and a cage, an addiction and a curse, draining you and twisting you up inside until all you have left to give is bitterness and pain.

What use is a gift if it is not used? But ministry does not define me, should not define me. It never should have, but it was once my identity and my veil, a way for me to feel needed, useful, a way to hide in plain sight. I do not know yet if I am ready.

What is your faith anchored on?

To recognise a Saviour, you need to know that you need to be saved.

A dip into faith and doubt and the continuum in between

Anna Tan

Written by

Anna Tan

Spiritual journeys

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