Spiritual Weekly Prompt |Imagination
The Circle of Eyes
A Childhood Memory From Communist Romania
“ What shape is the map of our country, class? “
The teacher asked, directing our eyes along the frontiers of Romania, her wood indicator sliding over the thick paper of the map, making a hoarse sound, echoing the heartbeat rumble in my ears, as I was trying to guess the answer before everybody else.
I take a look at the shape of our country, and the answer pops up like a helium balloon emerged from underwater. My hand upsurges like activated by an electric current, aiming to catch the teacher’s eye, as I focus my gaze towards hers, hoping that I’ll tell the world about my first geographic discovery.
“Comrade-teacher! Comrade-teacher, I know, I know…”, robin- like voices cover each other.
It’s a fierce competition: several first graders’ hands are flapping, like restless mice, looking for food. I worry my school-bench is not strategically positioned to catch the teacher’s gaze, and this might decrease my chances of being picked. Exactly between my two erratic breaths, her voice coldly enunciates my name.
“The shape of our country is that of a fish!”
I declaim with pride, as a tridimensional turbot materializes from the map and winks at me joyfully.
“Noooo ….”. The teacher responds, moving her attention away from me, in an implacable spin, like that of a lighthouse.
I hang in midair, like Wile E. Coyote, before plummeting over the edge of a cliff.
“Our country has the shape of a circle,” she explains with a blunt voice.
My colleagues murmur:” It is a circle, of course, it is easy to see it!”
I sit down in shock. My flying turbot perfectly fits between the map’s frontiers, demonstrating to me how undeniable it matches Romania’s shape. I chase him away from my mind, angry with it and with me, for letting myself deceived by appearances, for not seeing what everyone else sees.
My account is not a traumatic memory. Instead, I would categorize it as a cross-roads memory, if there is such a thing.
At that point, I felt angry with my imagination, taking me away from the apparent reality, the one that everyone but I could so quickly and so clearly see.
As a child, I was striving towards fitting in, pleasing the teacher, and developing trust in my mind and judgment. I was growing in communist Romania, during the ’80, and imagination and being different were not really national values. No surprise here, eh?
I took a lesson from that class, and it was one that I unconsciously bore with me for years: “A tempered imagination will keep me safe.”
For years, I did not know what to do with this early memory. I did not know how to digest the shock of being so far away from the truth. I was not mature enough at that early age to find my resources and deal with the emotions of thinking differently. For some reason, I decided that imagination is not that great, after all, so, during my school years, I kept my imagination in check. I managed to learn the social rules and quickly identify, imitate and follow the right steps to succeed, both at school and in my profession. Most times, I knew the correct answers, and I was safe.
However, I guess one cannot deny the inner authenticity forever. Imagination continued to take me by surprise and to play tricks on me at most unexpected times. I found that I was happiest when I was creative. My life experiences taught me that I can still stand firm and exist even when I don’t see things as the leaders or the general opinion.
I learned how to digest my anger, my shock, and how to transform those through imagination. Today, I am embracing my imagination and my creative spirit with more kindness, and I try to create a private space for the manifestation of these inclinations. I am still taming myself not to focus on success; instead, I am cultivating my curiosity to show me where the path will lead and enjoy every step of that experience.
This story was written in response to the spiritual weekly prompt “Imagination” by Simran Kankas, for Spiritual Tree.
If you enjoyed this story, I would be grateful if you would take a look at my other works:
© Ana-Maria Schweitzer 2020
I am a Romanian health psychologist, working in philanthropy and involved in developing prevention and care programs for people with chronic conditions. As a seeker of meaning, I use writing and playing with words, as ways of uncovering both the order and disorder that reign inside and outside our minds.
