6 characters from 2017 films that should play in the Super Bowl
Until the playoffs, 2017 was an underwhelming year for the NFL with scoring down and injuries up. Meanwhile, the film industry put out more great movies than it has in at least a decade, with Lady Bird, Call Me By Your Name and Get Out leading the charge.
So, with the NFL down and movies up, it seems like there’s an obvious way to save the Super Bowl: let’s find a way to get some of this year’s best film characters onto the gridiron.
1. Bubble (Rihanna!) from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets on the Philadelphia Eagles
To be totally honest, this pick is 95 percent about the fact that Rihanna makes everything better. But it also helps that her character in Valerian is a shapeshifting alien, so she could just play the full game as Jerry Rice. Or she could play defense and shapeshift into one of the Patriots’ wide receivers and just wait to pick off a pass from a confused Tom Brady. She’s probably most likely on this list to win Super Bowl MVP.
2. Pennywise (Bill Skarsgård) from It for the New England Patriots
He’s probably not much of a team player, but Pennywise lives off intimidation. He’s the perfect enforcer in the middle of the field for any defense. I’m not advocating for dirty play, but if Pennywise just eats Nick Foles’ arm, it’ll go a long way toward clinching a win.
3. Oliver (Armie Hammer) from Call Me By Your Name on the Eagles
I know, I know. Oliver screams preppy New Englander. But I think Tom Brady might have forced Oliver off the team in his secret vendetta to remain the indisputably most handsome player on the team. So now, Oliver’s going to be playing for revenge and, at 6-foot-5 and with the grit to play injured — or at least ride bikes with a possibly infected abdomen — he’s going to be an X-factor for the Eagles. They’ll just have to find a way to convince him to wear pants.
Plus, he’s going to have a great touchdown dance.
4. Dante from Coco on the Patriots
Dante, Miguel’s dog in Coco, may seem like an unconventional pick to play in the Super Bowl. I’ll admit, there are some obstacles to making this happen. First, Roger Goodell may have some problems with a literal cartoon stepping onto the field. And sure, Air Bud: Golden Receiver may have made it look easy for dogs to play wide receiver, but come on, Buddy was playing against kids, not in the Super Bowl.
But hear me out. Dante is loyal — you can expect him to care most about helping his quarterback succeed. He’s unpredictable and hard for a cornerback to shade. He’s fast. After turning into an alebrije, he even starts flying. He’d be the perfect wide receiver and safety blanket for the Patriots, who turned to Julian Edelman (who’s been hurt all season) to bail them out throughout last year’s Super Bowl win.
5. Poop, the adult poop emoji sadly voiced by Patrick Stewart, from The Emoji Movie on the Eagles
I won’t lie to you. I didn’t watch The Emoji Movie. I couldn’t even finish this 40-second clip about Poop.
But I know one thing: Patrick Stewart is a legendary actor who legitimately chose to voice a poop emoji. More importantly, that means Patrick Stewart was paid enough to voice a poop emoji. And maybe money talks? So he’ll play hard in the Super Bowl? Or maybe he can be an offensive lineman and just have no one touch him? I don’t know, this bit might be played out, so this might be the last one unless…
6. Kong from Kong: Skull Island on either the Patriots or just destroying the field
Oh no! It’s a game-changer! Kong is a 40-foot ape. He can do whatever he wants. Whoever has him wins.
That is, unless the Eagles’ Bubble turns herself into Godzilla! Who knows who’ll win? I guess we’ll have to see when Godzilla vs. Kong finally comes out.
That’s right, you just read about a cartoon poop with a bowtie playing offensive line in the Super Bowl just to end up at promo for a movie set to come out in 2020. Joke’s on you.
Go Pats.
