The best lines from Lonzo’s “Born 2 Ball”

Lonzo Ball / Twitter

Lonzo Ball has taken steps forward on the hardwood recently, which is good for the eyes of us Laker fans. Our ears, though, haven’t been so lucky. His blockbuster, totally non-generic or cheesy debut album, Born 2 Ball, isn’t exactly going to make waves on the radio or Spotify Top 100. It is, however, an album by a 20-year old who now has access to very expensive music equipment, giving us something that’s always funny, but is now a tiny bit less unlistenable.

But I can’t take all the credit away from Lonzo here: there are some genuinely good lines, and jokes funny enough to let you forget for just a second that this whole album is probably the biggest joke being told. These were some of the best lyrics, along with their varyingly cringeworthy context:

From “Get off,” a song about, um, I hope not getting off:

I said I had to get off, so what you think I’m doing?

Blue faces, buying gold, always been a Bruin

Except for when they losing, then I gotta keep it moving

People asking what I’m doing, money convos keep it fluent

Straight crack, I spit that, but nah homie, I ain’t talking drugs

I ain’t on the corner, I ain’t selling rock, I ain’t selling rock banging with the thugs

I be on the court, yeah I push the rock

So I guess he’s comparing leaving amateurism and NCAA corruption to having sex, which is actually a kind of funny take on all the pretty significant turmoil happening in college athletics right now. Seems a bit like Lonzo helped this conversation get started. In a song that’s probably about sex.

And the “push the rock” metaphor is obviously creative as hell.

From “Zo2”, which I consider his musical self portrait:

I dropped out of school ’cause I’m smarter than students

Only one year, I was done with the Bruins

Slavin’ for free, I was offered to move it

Millions of dollars, I took it, I’m human

Ok, he’s doing it again! It seems like people are forgetting what an anti-NCAA figure Lonzo became last year.

From “Better,” another song about how awesome his sex life is:

I only run on E if it’s after L-O-V

I’m a sucker for rappers who brag about how rich they are in new and original ways.

From Biggie:

I put hoes in NY onto DKNY

Miami, D.C. prefer Versace

All Philly hoes go with Moschino

Every cutie with a booty bought a Coogi

…

Girlfriend, here’s a pen, call me round ten

Come through, have sex on rugs that’s Persian

You get the point.

From “LAML,” or “Look at My Life,” which is about how awesome his life is now. It’s like his Juicy: the beauty of the view you made by grinding. I don’t think anyone else has ever used that acronym though, who’s laughing whose ass off?

Man Nike couldn’t pay us

Man they really try to play us

New crib hella spacious

Inside elevators

This situation has to be one of the least-talked-about, hugely important sports business moments of the past decade. When has a top-2 pick ever turned down a major sponsorship? What did that discussion look like? We have a step-by-step breakdown of Steph Curry’s botched Nike negotiation, but all we know about Lonzo’s is that LaVar probably wore an XXXXL t-shirt to the meeting?

Also, his new house totally does have inside elevators, and that’s crazy cool.

From “Money Talks,” a song about money talking:

Came up in the game and gave ’em mouth to mouth

Repping California coming from the south

I just bought a mansion that’s my second house

The money on the bed I’m sleeping on the couch

This is literally what I would do if I suddenly had access to millions of dollars. I hope he tucked it in.

From “Day 1s,” about his tightest homies (who are now his tightest, business associates? I can’t voice my displeasure with the BBB company enough):

I’m a skinny dude, but my pockets fat
I see a baddie I’m like who is dat?
Hello Kitty, I’m the coolest cat
But it’s never chilly where I’m coolin’ at

This is the part of the album where I think he runs out of things to say, so he just starts dropping all of his pop culture tidbits.

From “Gotta Get It,” which is honestly indistinguishable from like half the songs on the album:

Your boy is such a problem, hit up Harvard, they can’t solve it

So he likes “Good Will Hunting”?

From “What is you Doin,” which I can only hope is interior monologue:

I’m chasing my dreams, I ain’t never seen Freddy

Let me reiterate that this was my guy’s ~debut~ album.

From “BBB,” a song that’s honestly probably just one he made really early on and never deleted. This is my favorite combination on the entire album though:

I cannot settle, I’m triple B General
Look to the left, you’ll see Lieutenant Gelo
Further in sight, and you’ll spot Major Melo

Big Ballers on me, and I like commando

This is awesome. But I feel like that makes LaVar the guy hanging back with the nuclear codes. Speaking of which!

From the momentus “LaVar”:

Listen to the story, not just how it’s told

Yellin’ he the devil, but yet you the one who sold your soul

I think he has a point here. LaVar seems a lot more harmless 6,000 miles away, and with Lonzo’s brothers apparently in Lithuania for at least the near future, the actual facts of Lonzo’s career are beginning to come more into focus. He’s a rapidly improving young player with elite basketball IQ and, most likely, one helluva bright future. You shouldn’t listen to any the talking heads — no matter their last name. This song is his one serious-ish undertaking on the entire project, and I actually think he pulls it off pretty well.

Here’s hoping his next album has some ridiculous features like Quavo or something.