The Important Value of Nicknames in the Kink Scene
On chosen names and titles, and how they play a role in kink and sex work
When the name Stormy Daniels hit the headlines in the states, there was an undercurrent of understanding that everyone in the country accepted without question: Stormy Daniels is a performance name. Everybody knows that. So are Lex Steele and Rocco.
We’ve probably also played the school-age game of What’s Your Porn Star Name? (The name of your first pet and the street you grew up on), and while I’ll admit that Missy Centennial has a certain ring to it, I never used it. I’m almost certain that nobody on Medium believes that my last name is actually Dagger either. I just happen to have a penchant for sharp and pointy things.
But, it wasn’t until I shook hands with a girl who introduced herself as Subblegum at a local play party that I learned how common scene-names really are, and just how many of my friends were using them. I had no idea that most of the friends I’d met were going by names that differed from what was printed on their birth certificates.
Subblegum wasn’t a random whim, either. There was a lot of her personality that spilled over into this name. As a little (a type of age player), her name reflected her sweet and childish tendencies while still showing her to be a submissive personality. It was highly fitted to her at the time.
After asking a few people why they went by a scene name, I realized there wasn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. The importance of their names was all varied, and valid. Maybe you’ve been considering using a scene-name, or have wondered why some people you’ve met go by several monikers?
Names are there for safety
While this isn’t a single-gendered issue, there’s always been more freak messages sliding into my female-identifying friends’ DMs than the dude’s. I’ve received barrages of texts so intense and targeted that I wouldn’t be surprised to find the sender standing outside of my front door late at night…if he could find my real name. A name can be a passive means to keep someone safe when they aren’t actively working.
Trans women and drag performers have always received peak harassment above any other demographic, particularly people of color. Who could blame a gal for wanting to make sure nobody could track her down after a performance or a night at the club? While the underlying issues behind that are too huge to address here, suffice it to say that the problem is very real for non-cis and non-binary women. That passive form of protection is invaluable to anybody who could be unfairly targeted due to stigma.
While these are the most extreme examples, a name slip in the wrong context could jeopardize other things as well. A person may not want their family, bosses, or the deacon at their church to discover what they do on Friday nights, and a misspoken name at the wrong time can make for some pretty uncomfortable situations.
Tip: When you see friends or acquaintances outside of playspaces with other people, discreetly confirm that the name you were given is ok to use in vanilla company. You can also ask in advance, but don’t press for a legal or family name — there’s a reason why they didn’t give it in the first place!
Names can be a different role to slip into
Sure, there’s Tess the BDSM Enthusiast, but what about Tess the Knitter or Tess the Bicycle Nerd? In some situations, my name simply doesn’t fit who I am at that given moment.
On the flip side, many have experienced empowerment in their play when using an alternate name. It doesn’t have to be a full name. Titles and nicknames (like Daddy and Toy) can also impart power that is completely unrelated to one’s vanilla life. Just as you would feel less inclined to go to a fancy dinner party in sweatpants and a baggy tee, you wouldn’t want to appear at the gym in a slinky dress either. A name can have a similar function, allowing one to feel like they fit their role a little better.
Subblegum was only one of many instances where I saw a name reflect a personality so accurately. I also noticed that there was a high tendency of age players to take on entirely different names during age play, which is not coincidental. Age players take on an entirely different persona during their scenes. Because this person is so utterly different than their adult selves, using the same name for both sides of them may feel uncomfortable or misrepresentative. Attaching a name to the personality can be more than beneficial, it can be essential for letting go of your daily self and truly immersing yourself in a new mental state.
Age players aren’t the only ones who utilize these secondary personas. In another article, I wrote about a friend whom we call Beast, but I assure you that’s not what people call him at work. Beast as a name can free something within him that he’s unable to exhibit outside of play.
Tip: When playing with your partner, try utilizing a title or nickname that you’ll only use during a scene. After a little while, that name could be used as an on/off switch to get them in a kinky headspace.
Using multiple names can be complicated
While useful, I wouldn’t say having more than one name is entirely easy. Trying to keep your life compartmentalized and organized is already difficult enough without adding a second name. So how do people do it?
Often, your core group of friends — those who know you in your entirety — will know both your names and this can help ease the occasional public run-in. Knowing who you trust with all sides of your personality is not just important for our identities, it’s a life skill that we are always developing.
If your personal pastimes are something you want to keep from your family, don’t utilize secondary names in places where they may frequent. It’s easier when spaces, as well as our personal titles, are kept separate.
If your privacy is valued, don’t publicize both of your names on one site, profile, e-mail, etc. anywhere. It’ll be the one loose thread to unravel that safety net.
Tip: Respect the name a person gives you, regardless of what other names you’ve heard them called by other people. If they ask you to call them something else at a different time or location, then respect that request as well.
When I meet somebody for the first time, I always give the disclaimer that I will forget their name. I’m notoriously horrible with names, to begin with, so the complications that can arise from having friends with both kink AND vanilla names would be a nightmare…or so I thought.
In truth, it really isn’t as hard as I had expected. For all that I constantly mix up the names of my dog and my husband, kink and vanilla names are based on acts. This simple difference makes them cement themselves in our brains on a functional level.
Think you want to keep some parts of your life a little more separate? How about indulging in a new side of yourself? A name could be a wonderful tool, one that you can really fit into who you are or want to be.
Mankind has always been willing to delve into the power of names. From common fantasy tropes to old religious texts, we’ve seen the power of True Names mentioned countless times. Pop culture and mythos alike paint images of safety and obscurity through false names, or stories of rebirth through renaming. It’s a pervasive theme throughout our history and imaginations.
Psychologists today frequently study the impacts of names, from their influence on character development to self-esteem and social bias. The idea that we can grow and morph into a given name is neither new nor obscure. Sex and performance cultures have been putting this to the test since time immemorial, and it’s alive and well today in our bedrooms and dungeons.
I’d love to invite you to play with this idea. What names have you always wanted and envisioned for yourself? How does that person differ from your current self, and what boldness may they bring out in you?
Go on, give it a try. Let’s discover what exactly is in a name.
As always, be safe, sane, and consensual. But most importantly, be yourself.
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