Yoga Hosers (2016)

A movie for kids from the director of ‘Clerks’ and ‘Tusk’

Whoooo caaares.

What do I have to say about this fuckin’ thing that hasn’t already been said? I’m not one of those people who are going to hate on the movie because the story is weird. I love bad movies; I’m used to bad plots. And look, I don’t even feel like I would hate this movie if it weren’t for the wretched script and tired use of Canadian stereotypes. There are some good gags but it’s just not what I’ve expected in the past from Kevin Smith. I’m way over the “aboot” joke. In the very least, I will say that I can respect that they stuck to it throughout the entire movie.

There are a lot of scenes in this movie that act as vehicles for showcasing Harley Quinn and Lily-Rose Depp — scenes that don’t really serve to progress the story and don’t go anywhere and are boring. They’re not brilliant actors, but I think they’re okay, and maybe one day they’ll be in better movies reading better lines. In fact, the entire cast is pretty decent, it’s just that that script is such a stinker! I don’t know why, but I like Johnny Depp’s character Guy LaPointe. He was my favourite part of ‘Tusk,’ and he’s less of a highlight in this, but I cling to whatever I can to get through movies like this.

By the time the Bratzis show up, the movie is feeling like a Full Moon title only without any of the comedy to back up the weirdness going on. When the Colleens first see them, instead of questioning what these sausage monsters even are or what they’re doing in the convenience store, they just get really angry and start killing them. Like okay, I’d kill them too, but I think I’d at least be shocked in some way?

The good of it all is that nothing really drags — despite the pointless scenes made for the Colleens to show off how young and pretty they are, everything moves along at a steady pace, and there are no plot holes that stick out at you glaringly.

I think Kevin Smith wanted to make a movie that was just…genuinely whatever the fuck he wanted to do, without meddling from anyone. An in-joke with him and his family and friends. And that’s cool, I can respect that. It just wasn’t particularly good or funny, and only vaguely interesting. I’d say it’s worth a watch if you’re not paying a lot to see it and only if you’re morbidly curious about how this trainwreck could be so trainwrecky.