A Cuppa and A De-Brief: Talking Points from the Gabba Test

Friend of the magazine Jack Banister popped round for a strong brew this morning to break down all of the drama from the Ashes opener.

Hunter G Meredith
Sporting Chance Magazine

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Despite three tight, see-sawing days of Test cricket at the Gabba, the capitulation of the English side over the final three sessions meant there was a lot for the Sporting Chance team to ponder while we quietly sipped our Sunday and Monday pots at the Yorkshire Hotel.

Sporting Chance would like to thank our sponsor, The Yorkshire Hotel. Check out their weeknight specials, we highly recommend the Wednesday Night $20 Steak!

Yes, the Brisbane test certainly left us with more than just the gate between bat and pad to ponder…

We’ve got line-gate, headbutt-gate, England’s bowling, Friday Night Lights (or a lack thereof) and more to think about between now and Saturday.

Bairstow & Headbutt-gate

It wasn’t a great game on the field for the English keeper, who threw his wicket away unnecessarily in both innings with appalling shots. For a man who bats seven, Bairstow needs to show far more nouse when he’s with the tail.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the English dressing rooms when Bairstow arrived after triggering England’s pre-tea capitulation on the fourth day by late cutting one straight down the throat of third man.

By stumps, the Australian media were circling after a sledge was made by Dave Warner which eluded to an “incident” involving Bairstow and Bancroft in a Perth bar a month ago.

By the end of play on the fifth day, all the facts had come to light. WA players and England players ended up in the same bar and Bairstow decided to greet Bancroft with a headbutt. He apologised at the time, no police report was lodged and neither man was removed from the bar in question. In fact, they carried on drinking together for some time.

That this incident took four weeks to reach the ears of the Australian press speaks of its scope. In Bancroft’s own words at the end of the Test match, “there was certainly no malice in his [Bairstow’s] actions…at the time, he said sorry. For me, it was just really weird.”

When Warner suggested to James Anderson that the English should refrain from headbutting his mates, I’m surprised the English quick didn’t scoff. Warner, of course, was suspended for throwing a punch at Joe Root in 2013. That incident turned out to be a tad more sinister than a weird greeting.

The story broke after the sledge and neither party was able to address it properly with the fifth day of play looming. That the story broke isn’t really a media issue. They have a right to report on matters of public interest. An altercation in a bar between two relatively high-profile cricketers fits that bill. That said, they might’ve read up on this one and realised it was something of a non-event.

The story was never going to just die once it was out, so Bairstow had to spend 24 hours watching his name discussed alongside that of Ben Stokes.

Stokes is potentially facing criminal charges of causing actual bodily harm. Bairstow, in contrast, behaved a bit weirdly. It’s certainly not savoury to introduce yourself with a gentle head butt, but it’s certainly is a long-way short of full-blown assault. Conflating the two prematurely did nothing to enhance serious discussion of either incident.

And so, a mountain was made of a molehill, to steal the words of Joe Root. Bairstow was the unfortunate man on the receiving end. As Smith sat in the post-match press conference, laughing hysterically while his opening bat explained the whole affair and in essence, cleared Bairstow of any significant wrongdoing, he might’ve controlled himself better. The reputation of a fellow professional is no laughing matter.

How many licks of paint does it take to make a crease line straight?

I’ll start with a general comment — Watergate was 45 years ago. It might be time for Mr W Gate to be eased into retirement.

Anyway, when Tim Paine’s sharp glove work had England’s optionally bald and bearded №6 Moeen Ali out stumped, Twitter exploded.

Line-gate was born.

The Guardian’s Russell Jackson pointed out that the line is thicker on the pitch than on the adjacent grass. So, out or not out would depend on which part of the line Ali was crossing.

Another chap went so far as to suggest it might be a national problem — something to ponder next time you’re in gridlocked traffic.

Will Macpherson probably put it best though, coining #TheShoddyLineSeries.

And my take? Ali was a tad stiff, even without considering the thick line, but the vision just about does enough to confirm there was nothing grounded. An extra inch on his spike and he would’ve been alright. Given the man himself refused to be drawn into the debate after play finished on Day Four, going into bat for him is probably a waste of time (especially if I’m holding the bat).

As for the line, don’t go buying into any conspiracy theories. It’s not straight and it probably should be, but Nathan Lyon and Tim Paine probably didn’t sneak out of the team hotel and into the Gabba to give it an extra lick of paint in the wee small hours of the morning, as compelling as the notion might be.

I’m also sure the moon landing happened and the earth is flat. My jury’s still out on the Whitlam dismissal, though…

Bad balls

It says an awful lot about the second innings performances of England’s third, fourth and fifth bowlers that skipper Joe Root bowled six overs, and had the ball in his hand when a collapse might’ve still brought England back from the dead on the fourth afternoon.

The Numbers are damning for the English attack from the Gabba Test

Jake Ball didn’t have a great time in either innings. In the first, he bowled 18 overs for figures of 1/77 (an economy rate of 4.28). He fared no better in the second, with figures of 0/38 off 8 (economy 4.75).

At least he was consistent — ish.

Ali and Woakes went from tidy in the first dig to sieve-like in the second. Woakes’ economy ballooned from a respectable 2.79 to 4.18, and Ali struggled to keep Australia to less than a run a ball in his four second-innings overs (0/23).

Woakes’ form is now of the utmost importance for England’s chances in this series, especially without Stokes.

As per usual, Gideon Haigh (this time for The Times) said it best.

They desperately need a first-change bowler that can maintain the pressure Broad and Anderson will continue to apply.

Ball, meanwhile, came into this game underdone after a rolled ankle in the lead-up, and Ali was nursing a finger injury by the fourth afternoon. It’s hard to see Ali missing out in Adelaide but Ball is in trouble. Three wickets from four Tests at an average of 114.33 means you probably need a new pie recipe.

Cracks…

There were acknowledged flaws in both line-ups heading into this match, which makes the England performance in the final three sessions even more costly.

There were very few cracks in the pitch, or the Australia team by the end of this Test.

England may have papered over some of their own cracks across the first three days, but on the fourth and fifth, they failed to take a hammer to Australia’s. In fact, they actively helped them plaster some of them.

Tim Paine really fixed the first hole himself, stumping Ali and putting memories of his dropped catch on the opening day out of mind.

After a similar early hiccup, Cameron Bancroft settled his nerves with a well-struck 82, somewhat aided by the toothless English bowling performance I’ve already discussed.

And perhaps most crucially, that bowling performance failed to expose Khawaja, Handscomb and Marsh, who might’ve all headed to Adelaide sweating over their spots after Glenn Maxwell’s double hundred…which, ladies and gentlemen, leads me to the sort of segue Bob Katter could learn from.

O Glenn…

As the English occupied the crease early in this match and began to make you question the merits of Australia’s four-pronged attack, you’d have been forgiven for allowing one G.Maxwell to sneak into your mind.

If he wasn’t there already, his mammoth 278 off 318 balls against NSW probably did the trick.

Given he was unlucky to miss the First Test to begin with, this was his attempt to kick the door down.

The detractors will highlight the flat wicket and the postage stamp of a ground that is North Sydney Oval, but 278 is 278 (or 300 minus a particularly super number, if you really like G.Maxwell).

So, despite the final two days of cricket putting the debate about his potential inclusion on hold, I still fancy he will have a part to play before this Ashes series is over. The ‘Big Show’ is merely on hold.

And finally…

Where are the Friday Night Lights?

With the series moving on to Adelaide under lights on Saturday, I can’t help but wonder why this next Test won’t feature those lights on a Friday night. It may simply be that both teams really wanted the rest, but given how much we love Friday night footy as a nation, it’s hard to make sense of the way the dates line-up.

Either way, we’re already frothing at the thought of the late start to the day, which leaves us far more time to eat our smashed avo, drink our coffee and read the paper before we get to the first session. And seriously, does anyone actually love a 9am meet at Robbo’s place (BYO)?

Jack Banister attempts wit on the daily as a Master of Journalism student and writes about all things footy, (mainly Richmond) as well as other sports for the Footy Almanac.

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Hunter G Meredith
Sporting Chance Magazine

Ramblings, half-baked thoughts, tidbits and shares from the corners of the world and my mind.