I’ll have a Full English and Builder’s Tea, Please
On the Breakfast Menu today is traditional English fare, after a very English start to the 2017/18 Ashes series.
Most of us would have awoken from our slumber somewhat regretting our overindulgence in cricket yesterday, as just like an ol’ English fry up, the contents of Day 1 at the Gabba currently sits heavy in our stomachs.
REFLECTIONS ON THE DAY ONE MENU…
The Alistair was perfectly Cooked
Hash browns are arguably the most important part of an English fry up. Always to be consumed first, these golden delicacies set the tone for the rest of the meal and based on Mitch Starc’s potato gem to Alistair Cook it looked like we were in for a cracking day’s play yesterday morning.
Starc’s delivery had it all: it was served hot and delivered straight from the oven with pace; it deviated slightly off the pitch; and Handscombe managed to gobble it up without spilling crumb.
One hash brown is never enough however, and Chef Starc left us disappointed as the brunch service continued. The rest of his hash browns were either overcooked, lacking in crunch or just a little bit stale.
The stodgy pitch didn’t sit well with us
A good Test pitch is the toast of an enjoyable brunch plate; it doesn’t need to do much but it does need to do something!
Unfortunately for us, we took a couple bites of Gabba curator Kevin Mitchell’s sourdough pitch yesterday and left the rest on the plate.
It was doing nothing for us and as it turned out, nothing for the bowlers or batsmen either.
While before play the pitch looked ‘just right’ in reality it was slow, devoid of movement or carry and tempered the ability for either the bowlers to challenge the batsmen by using whatever natural variation the pitch offered or the batsmen to make runs by utilising the pace of the pitch.
The Gabba pitch was so stodgy it made it difficult to finish the rest of the meal, as it just absorbed all the flavour and fun out of what was meant to be an enjoyable fry up. And the mid-meal spillage of mineral water at lunch did nothing but make the pitch even more inedible.
Hopefully we can adjust the settings on Mitchell’s toaster and at least see a bit more crunch in the Gabba pitch today, otherwise we may have to leave it for a couple of days, watch it go stale and hope it crumbles, so that we can turn it into something else.
Wilted sides suggest that the pre-series hype was over cooked
We live in Melbourne, so I know all about over hyped cafes and restaurants but our first sitting at ‘The Urn Cafe’ was under-whelming.
All the reviews we had read suggested that this series would be a smorgasbord of hot-pepper deliveries, consistantly tight line and length and a counter balance of impressive stroke play.
But all we got served was over-cooked allegory, and a staid version of a tried and tested recipe that we always see on Day One of a Test involving England, which no amount of Aussie seasoning could spice up.
Starc and Hazlewood especially lacked the consistency to challenge the English batsmen’s appetites on Day One with the tourists content to wait for a lose delivery to munch on without having to force themselves to try to consume deliveries outside of their comfort zone.
The pickiness of the English batsmen left the Australian pace attack looking wilted, which should concern onlookers and critics alike. No one wants to be served up a plate of sad and soggy Baggy Greens.
We sipped on Earl Grey and English Breakfast but both took a long time to steep
It seems if we want to get any flavour out of these English batsmen, we are going to have to allow them to rest for considerable amounts of time.
England’s run rate of 2.43 could be described as ‘stoic’ if we are feeling generous or ‘boring’ if we are feeling jaded. Considering that it was Day One of an important series, we will lean closer to celebrating the endearing English stoicism.
Mark Stoneman (a man of onomatopoeic quality, who is regularly described as phlegmatic and understated) lived up to his name by providing England with a solid base to their innings after the loss of Cook.
However, few things in life might be as boring as watching grass grow but bricklaying is definitely one of them.
Considering that Australia’s bowlers were missing their lengths a least a couple times per over, there was plenty of opportunities for Stoneman to score readily without risk of throwing his wicket away but he chose to decline the open invite.
It may have also been his demise in the end, as he seemingly feel asleep at the crease. Stoneman’s concrete defences were penetrated by a Cummins’ jaffa which dislodged his middle stump. It was abrief moment of flavour on a dull day.
James Vince was the bricklayer’s partner for most of the innings and offered at least some contrast in approach.
While never rash, he was more productive when the opportunity allowed and did showcase a array of scoring shots, taking particular liking to Hazlewood’s more straight-up-and-down-then-usual deliveries.
Vince and the other ‘no-name’ English batsmen came into this Test with everyone expecting them to become mince meat but instead all of the English bats so far have stood up to the pressure and heat of the Ashes oven, to come out the other side better products… well that was until Nathan Lyon poured hot sauce over everyone.
Chef Lyon taught us about the importance of hot sauce
Captain Steve Smith has been quiet and polite. After a brief and succinct declaration of war, Reverend David Warner has been solemn and softly spoken but the man known as the GOAT has let his roar be heard.
“Could we end some careers? I hope so,” Lyon said during the hype-session that was a Pre Ashes press conference.
This was Alistair Cook’s response: “It’s funny. It makes me chuckle. It is what it is. All the talking stops very quickly and the series becomes a normal series after the first two hours. Suddenly we start to talk about cricket again rather than off-field stuff.”
So by request of the Englishman, let talk a bout the on field stuff but first a request… NATHAN LYON PLEASE SMACK TALK LIKE CONNOR MCGREGOR BEFORE EVERY TEST SERIES!
Based on Lyon’s bowling performance today it was fortunate that Matthew Wade wasn’t in the side as every single ball would have been followed by a NOOOOOOOIICE GAAAAAARY!
It seems ‘Gary’ not only has the gift of the gab this series but the control of his deliveries and the metronomic mastery of his lines.
On a day where the pacemen looked placid, Lyon looked dangerous, extracting bounce, turn, fizz, bite and kick from a pitch that otherwise looked so dour that it gave us stomach cramps and made us book an appointment to check to see if we were gluten intolerant.
And while Lyon bowled without luck for the majority of the day (more on that later) he wasn’t done adding spice to this contest.
A comfortable looking Vince seemed destined to make his first century on Antipodean soil and dabbed a nondescript delivery to point and decided to stroll through for what he thought would be a casual single.
What we didn’t realise was he had just paddled the ball into the Lyon’s Den! Australia’s feline foe of the forrest jumped into action, covering ground at the speed of a hungry beast, captured the ball (on the move) with his raven-like claw and speared down the stumps with a malevolent masculinity that his ‘soft rig’ beguiles.
On a day that lacked many highlights, this was a show-stopper.
Indigestion leaves us in a world of Paine
We’ve all been there. A late lunch. The first meal after fasting. We’re over eager to chow down on the dishes in front of us and it causes… indigestion. The hiccups, no less.
And one thing that is quite difficult to do with the hiccups is glove genuine edges created by an off-spinner that is bowling a treat… as Tim Paine found out yesterday.
In his defence, up to that point he had been keeping more than adequately. His hands looked soft, his side to side shuffle spritely, and his extras tally? Just the one, which was if anything an unfairly adjudged bye from a Lyon delivery that jagged so far as to pass through the line of leg slip.
Paine was selected into the Australian Test team under a pantomime appropriate comedic situation however, and only perfection was going to allow him to leave this Test unscathed.
To rub further salt into his dropped catch wound, this was a shelled chance that in most pundits opinions would have been taken routinely by a keeper who had, well… been keeping routinely.
The replay seems to suggest that Paine wasn’t expecting the ball to catch the edge of Vince’s bat but surely as the gloveman that’s something you’re expecting every delivery. Paine won’t be afforded too many more over-cooked chances before being demoted back to the bus boy in the Australia Team’s restaurant hierachy.
Cummins’ peaches serve as good palate cleanses
By the third session, the Day One meal had a ‘same-same’ taste about it and most were struggling to finish their serves. Enter Pat Cummins and his refreshing peaches!
We have already discussed the jaffa that he served up to Stoneman, who was napping in his crease but the absolute peach to Joe Root was perhaps even better.
The pace, the angle, the acceleration off the pitch, the slight inward swing.
They are all the ingredients that made my podcast partner Brian Randall suggest that Pat Cummins would be this Ashes series’ leading wicket taker, and based on his two dismissals yesterday, he may well be!
All in all, it was the perfect way to close out the day’s feed.
We won’t be ordering the same today…
While an Full English Breakfast feels like a good idea at the time, especially if you haven’t eaten in a while, more often than not it leaves you feeling a bit ill afterward.
Today, we’re hoping a more continental style brunch menu: plenty of coffee, a little sugar and dishes full of flavour.
Hopefully it’s a meal that leaves us energised and invigorated for the rest of the weekend and the long summer ahead!
