Evan’s Fantasy Football Corner: Quarterback Breakdown
Which Cue Bees are hot and which ones are not? Who’s up and who’s down? Let’s take a deep dive and break it down.
I’ve decided I’m going to play fantasy football this season. Yeah, it’s kind of dumb. Here’s the thing though: every fantasy sports bro thinks they’re an expert. It’s insane. There’s like fifty thousand different Twitter accounts dedicated to some dick’s fantasy football opinions. I’m about to render them all obsolete. Are you ready for the last fantasy football breakdown you’ll ever need? Let’s talk QBs.
Eli Manning — New York Giants: Eli is good for a few great games a year, but as soon as you start him in FF (that’s what we in the biz call fantasy football football) he’s gonna blow it. HARD PASS.
Tony Romo — Dallas Cowboys: Romo is extremely underrated. That said, he’s gonna break his collar bone for like the 6th time in week 3. It’s gonna be the Dak Prescott show from then on. Pass on both. They just don’t have “it”.
Sam Bradford — Philadelphia Eagles: Bradford would be a good pick if sleeve length was a fantasy stat. He’d be ahead by a mile, which coincidentally, is the length of his sleeves. The man has long sleeves. Don’t draft Bradford, he’s a BUM.
Kirk Cousins — Washington: Remember last year when he did that “YOU LIKE THAT!?” thing and tricked everyone into thinking he was likeable? It’s all a SHAM, pass on Cousins.
Cam Newton — Carolina Panthers: Cam would be a good pick, but Ted Ginn is guaranteed to drop a million perfectly thrown passes. Yeah, he’s still around.
Matt Ryan — Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan is what happens when you let an unsalted pretzel rod play QB. He’s good, but having him on your team is kind of embarrassing. He’s not hot or cold, just suitably lukewarm.
Jameis Winston — Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I don’t even have a joke here. The real joke is how police handled those sexual assault allegations to be honest.
Drew Brees — New Orleans Saints: This may be the last good year Brees has. This team is about to crumble around and on top of him. He’s my STONE COLD LOCK of the year. He’s almost guaranteed to will his way to 5,000 yards every year at this point.
Russell Wilson — Seattle Seahawks: Marshawn Lynch is gone. I don’t even care about this team anymore. Wilson’s probably a good pick. Whatever.
Carson Palmer — Arizona Cardinals: Carson would be fine, but you have to get Drew Stanton too. They’re a package deal at this point. Between the two of them, they will play 16 games.
Blaine Gabbert — San Fransisco 49ers: WHOA THERE MOTHERFUCKER!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjDeRBwO_7U
Case Keenum — Los Angeles Rams: I’ve never been more excited about a worse player than Case Keenum. He just looks like he’s having fun out there. Except for that concussion thing. Don’t pick Keenum.
Aaron Rodgers — Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers is the WORST fantasy quarterback. Do not pick Rodgers. Please.
Teddy Bridgewater — Minnesota Vikings: You might watch Teddy and think he’s pretty good, but don’t be fooled. A lot of people on Twitter say he’s actually bad. Pass.
Matthew Stafford — Detroit Lions: Stafford will be good until he throws a 500mph fastball over Theo Riddick on a five yard out. Fans all over Michigan will scream for Jake Rudock, and this is basically all straight from my nightmares.
Jay Cutler — Chicago Bears: Smokin' Jay Cutler, hot or cold? Cold. Very cold. Would you expect me to tell you anything different?
Jimmy Garappolo — New England Patriots: Tom Brady is the unquestioned starter, buy Jimmy G gets four games to prove himself. He won’t though. You don’t get to be the starter just because your more handsome than Tom Brady.
Ryan Fitzpatrick — New York Jets: Fun Fitzpatrick Stat™: Fitz leads all starting QB’s in Harvard Degrees (1). People forget that.
Tyrod Taylor — Buffalo Bills: Tyrod is the fuckin' man. Don’t pick him.
Ryan Tannehill — Miami Dolphins: I call Tannehill the double yellow line, because he’s very middle of the road. Does that analogy work? He’s very average I guess is what I want to say.
Andrew Luck — Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck reminds me a lot of Indianapolis itself. Seems cool until you really look, and then realize it’s very bland and boring. BUYER BEWARE.
Blake Bortles — Jacksonville Jaguars: Bort Puts up big numbers -including interceptions- so it’s kind of iffy. Hard to get FF points throwin' INTs that turn to TDs for the other team. Fuck, I love abbreviations.
Marcus Mariota — Tennessee Titans: To be honest I almost forgot about the Titans. They’re not worth writing about anyway. Why? I got two words for ya buddy: Mike Mularkey. Avoid at all costs!
Brock Osweiler — Houston Texans: Osweiler would be a good pick if height was a fantasy stat. He’d be ahead by a mile, which coincidentally, is the how tall- ah shit, that’s the Sam Bradford joke again. Sorry, sorry.
Derek Carr — Oakland Raiders: (See: Teddy Bridgewater)
Mark Sanchez — Denver Broncos: Peyton Manning’s exoskeleton retired, leaving Denver with no one to turn to except Mark Sanchez. Is Sanchez a good fantasy quarterback? Well, it’s hard to say. Wait, not it’s not. Mark Sanchez sucks, don’t draft him.
Alex Smith — Kansas City Chiefs: Alright, all I have to do is find away to take what I said about Matt Ryan, and then make a small hands joke using the Sam Bradford sleeve format and I can get this point across. Oh yeah, he also didn’t throw a TD to a wide receiver in 2014. I can’t let people forget that.
Phillip Rivers — San Diego Chargers: Rivers would be a good pick if number of children were a fantasy stat. look man, I gotta do 32 of these and it’s harder than it looks.
Robert Griffin III — Cleveland Browns: I wasn’t a believer until I saw that beautiful Terrelle Pryor TD. Draft both of them. What a dream team.
Andy Dalton — Cincinnati Bengals: I honestly don’t have a lot to say about Andy Dalton. Just avoid starting him when the Bengals play in prime time. I mean, I guess Cincinnati is where Harambe died. So if you still care about that, there’s a reason to avoid Dalton.
Ben Roethlisberger — Pittsburgh Steelers: (See: Jameis Winston)
Joe Flacco — Baltimore Ravens: JOE FLACCO IS NOT ELITE!
Remember, these are definitive takes. Please adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly. Thanks guys.
