I Don’t Think I’m Ready For Baseball Yet.
Baseball is allegedly America’s pastime. Whatever the hell that means. I’m just not that into it.
Baseball season is still going strong, and will be for a very long time. My disinterest in baseball is almost directly tied to that longevity. There’s just so many games that they’re almost meaningless. If there’s 162 games, chances are the one you’re watching will have no impact on the season at all.
The sad thing is, it’s all we have. There’s no other major sports going on right now. I guess we have to talk about it. Here’s some facts about baseball.
Some Facts About Baseball
Fact no.1 — You can’t just go into a field and play baseball. You can chew tobacco and run around, but that’s only half of it. You need these things to play baseball.
- Baseball Glove: This glove is specially engineered for baseball, unlike regular gloves or mittens. Please do not bring mittens to a baseball game.
- Baseball: No, not the game itself. This is the ball used to play baseball. Yeah I know it’s confusing. The baseball is the worst sports ball. It’s small, doesn’t bounce good, and feels like a rock. Lame.
- Baseball Bat: This is another tricky one. Just remember, a baseball bat is more like a wooden pole, and not a small flying mammal. It’s very important that you remember that.
- Baseball Cap: Baseball’s greatest contribution to society. The best part is you don’t even have to play the game to wear one. No, seriously you can just buy these at the store. Suckers.
Fact no.2 — There are 162 games in baseball’s regular season. I know I said that already, but I need to say it again because that’s ridiculous.
Fact no.3 — Baseball is America’s pastime. I already said that too, I just want someone to tell me what that means.
Fact no.4 — Baseball has many different “unwritten rules”. Basically, they all mean no one is allowed to have any fun. People get really mad when players break these “rules”. Those people are terrible and I don’t like any of them.
Fact no.5 — Steroids make you really good at baseball. You can’t get mad at me for saying that, it’s true. Just because it’s cheating doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now we know everything there is to know about baseball, but how to we apply that knowledge? Here’s what you need to know in case you end up at a baseball game.
What to do at a baseball game
Baseball games are awesome in person. It’s kind of like a cookout, but the atmosphere is provided for you already. You get to drink beer, eat hot dogs, and maybe some ice cream out of a little plastic helmet. Dippin’ Dots they call it. The ice cream of the future.
Sometimes, the players might even hit the baseball into the stands. If this happens, here’s what you do:
DO: Try and catch the ball. If you don’t catch it, it might hit you instead.
DON’T: Throw the ball back onto the field. Just because you caught it doesn’t mean you’re in the game. The ball is a neat souvenir, and they players have plenty more. They won’t mind if you take it home.
DO: Look for a kid to give the ball to. It means a lot more to a child than a grown ass adult. You probably have a job. Go buy your own damn baseball.
DON’T: Be the guy who goes so far as to shove a kid out of the way to catch a ball. Especially if you’re just going to give it to them anyway. Then you just shoved a kid for no reason. What the hell man?
So now we know everything there is to know about baseball, and what to do at the game itself. So, how do we get to the game?
Going to the baseball game
Maybe you think a Major League Baseball game is too expensive. Or maybe the closest MLB game is still too far away. Don’t worry. The MLB has a very extensive farm system. Chances are, there’s a Minor League Baseball team in your town. MiLB is awesome, because you get all those sweet baseball game perks. The teams also have weird names sometimes, and that’s kind of amusing.
I guess baseball might actually be kind of cool. I won’t watch it on TV, but I might go check out some MiLB games. Mostly just to get the ice cream helmet thing though.
