I’m Gonna Dunk On Blake Griffin
Blake Griffin is a good friend* of mine. I’m gonna dunk on him.
*I’ve never met or spoken to Blake Griffin.
Since I’ve recently been getting into watching basketball, I’ve decided to get back into playing. Most importantly, I need to dunk on one of the NBA’s most prolific dunkers. That’s a big undertaking, but it needs to happen. It won’t happen overnight though. Let’s look at the steps I need to take.
I need to learn how to dunk
Listen, there’s levels to this shit. Before I dunk on my pal* Blake, I need to learn how to dunk in general. For this I’ll need:
- A basketball. I currently do not own one. This is the most important thing.
- Basketball shoes. These will supposedly help my vertical. I already have some in mind, but they’re expensive.
- I need to work out a little bit. My legs are really skinny and I can’t jump very well.
I’m not totally new to this though. Let’s take a look at my career stats.
My Career Stats
I played basketball in like, the fifth grade. I can’t find my stats on Pro Basketball Reference, which is a shame. Luckily they aren’t very hard to remember.
- Games Played: 7
- W-L: 3–4
- Points: 0
- Shots: 0/1
- FG %: 0%
- Fouls: 1
After that I didn’t play a lot of basketball. Here are my lifetime stats:
- Last time I held a basketball: Maybe a month ago?
- Do I know what a basketball is?: Yeah, of course.
- Letters: H O R S (so fucking close)
So what’s the plan of action here?
- Phase 1: Get good enough to touch the rim. This is a big one.
- Phase 2: Dunk. Obviously.
- Phase 3: Dunk on a regular person. Like you or me, but not me because I’m gonna be the one dunking.
- Phase 4: Dunk over my car. I must assert my dominance by dunking over my 2006 Dodge Stratus.
- Phase 5: Dunk on Blake Griffin. The big fish.
I will begin training immediately. It will be a long journey, but the reward is worth it. I’ll update as I go along. There’s absolutely no way I get past phase 1.
