10 Reasons Soccer is Un-American

1. George Washington never played soccer. In fact, none of our Founding Fathers played soccer.

2. The “sport” is not conducive to commercial breaks, making it harder for corporations to sell people things. Soccer is anti-capitalism. Therefore, it is anti-America and Communist.

3. When a U.S. president takes the Oath of Office, he puts his hands on the Bible. Not his foot. Stepping on the Bible would be very disrespectful.

4. Soccer has 11 players to a side. Guess what has 11 letters? Soviet Union AND Nazi Germany AND King George 3 AND That Al-Qaeda.

5. Soccer has yellow cards and red cards. They easily could have come up with a system using red, white and blue cards, but they chose not to. A clear slap in the face of America.

6. Soccer was invented by foreigners. In America we love sports with 100-percent American roots, like basketball.

7. The rules of soccer were codified on December 19, 1863. Not two years later, Abraham Lincoln was dead.

8. Soccer games can, and often do, end as draws. Pathetic. America believes in clear winners and losers. For example, the 2000 Presidential Election and the Iraq War.

9. Offsides? No. Wrong. Offsides is as un-American as it gets. We don’t have offsides in America. We have Manifest Destiny. No one can tell a real American where he can and can’t go.

10. Other countries like it.

Originally published on SportsPickle.