The New England Patriots have responded to the NFL’s Wells Report into “DeflateGate.” Here are the 10 biggest revelations from the thousands and thousands of words in the rebuttal.
1. When the Patriots use words, like “deflation,” they don’t use them in the same way everyone else does. Investigators failed to check their privilege.
2. Team equipment manager Jim McNally is a big, fat, fatty fatterson with so much blubby fat lol. Look at the fat guy try to keep footballs at the completely legal PSI, he gets all out of breath. What a FATTY!
3. Even though he’s a billionaire, Robert Kraft has feelings and it makes him really sad when his pal Rog doesn’t let a little bit of cheating by his team slide.
4. When the Patriots told the investigators “Hey! Quick! Look over there!,” the investigators did not look over there. Rude.
5. The science isn’t all in on how balls even deflate. It could be air pressure. It could be magic. It could be that balls are filled with a thousand tiny fairies, all working to together to hold balls in a particular shape. There’s just no way to know, and therefore not enough evidence to claim the Patriots did anything wrong.
6. The Patriots are the only team in the NFL that does the above-reproach “Patriots Way,” so of course they wouldn’t do anything unsavory. Don’t be ridiculous. How is there even an investigation?
7. The Colts suck.
8. Who’s to say the other teams aren’t OVER-inflating footballs, right?
9. The whole deflating ball thing was just a big prank the Patriots were playing. Ha! They got you guys!
10. Investigators didn’t accept a single one of the Patriots bald-faced lies without looking into them.