10 Ways the United States Can Get Better at Men’s Soccer

Because soccer will have to be banned if the U.S. can’t be the best at it.

Give all U.S. soccer players one name like Brazilian stars. Who wouldn’t be intimidated playing a squad featuring Kevin, Bryan, Steve and Randy?

Stop playing soccer powers like Jamaica. Instead, build up confidence and momentum by getting easy wins against smaller nations like the Marshall Islands and Texas.

Ask players on the World Cup champion U.S. women’s team if they’re interested in getting in on the growing practice of gender reassignment surgeries.

Fire Jurgen Klinsmann and replace him with someone who knows how to make America great: Donald Trump.

Require America’s best male athletes to play soccer. Imagine a soccer team composed of the likes of Zach Johnson, Jordan Spieth, Kevin Harvick, Pete Weber, Phil Ivey, Prince Fielder and American Pharoah. Unstoppable!

Motivate the players by letting them know that if they play really well, they could get used in a lot of Internet memes. (Remember Tim Howard stopping all those random things in June 2014? Lol. Good stuff.)

Propose that the World Cup tournament be replaced by a bowl system, allowing the U.S. to build its program with solid wins over Canada in the Gaylord Hotels Music City Soccer Bowl.

Consider reuniting with England so we can increase our talent level, if not our likelihood of winning anything.

Teach all of our players how to kick with their left foot, too. Believe it or not, having that skill really helps.

New soccer rule: the country with the most freedom is free to make the rules of each game up as they go along.

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