13 Players in the Stanley Cup Finals Reportedly Playing Through Clinical Death

TAMPA — The Stanley Cup Finals are set to begin and, as always at this point in the hockey season, players on both rosters are banged up and playing through pain and injury. Neither the Blackhawks or Lightning are completely forthcoming with injury details, but rough estimates suggest that more than a dozen players in the Cup Finals are playing through death.

“Death is not an excuse at this time of year,” said Lightning head coach Jon Cooper. “Everyone dies, but only a few players a year have the opportunity to win the Cup.”

It is that fact that keeps Blackhawks defenseman Duncan Keith, who passed away partway through the 2nd Round, giving his all each and every game.

“Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” said the heart monitor attached to Keith’s body. Yet minutes later, his corpse was ripping slap shots during the team’s morning skate.

“A player’s heart can stop,” said Blackhawks head coach Joel Quenneville. “But a champion’s heart never stops.

Nearby, team captain Jonathan Toews nodded in agreement. Or the nodding motion could have been a post-death muscle spasm.

“I’ve wanted to win a Cup for my whole life,” said Lightning star Steven Stamkos. “I wouldn’t let dying get in the way of that. I’m a hockey player. If you miss a game or a period with a little bit of death, you really start to lose the confidence of your teammates.”

Stamkos insisted he is not dead, tapping out “I am not dead” with his nose on the keyboard that sits on his specially-designed skate chair — a device the center has played on since becoming a quadruple amputee in the first period of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

“Don’t go get help. I’m fine,” Stamkos added in nose taps, as blood began flowing heavily out of his ears. “It’s nothing.”