25 More Things The NFL Should Investigate
Let’s get Ted Wells on retainer and blow the lid off everything!
1. Why don’t the Browns get a quarterback?
2. On a scale of 1 to Riley Cooper, how racist is Chip Kelly?
3. What exactly is everyone laughing about during the NFL pregame shows? No one said anything funny.
4. What is Raiders owner Mark Davis thinking when he gets his hair cut like that? Is he on drugs or what?
5. Could the Colts have kept the AFC title game within 30 points if the Patriots hadn’t cheated?
6. Is there an internal league list detailing which quarterbacks it’s okay to sack and which making contact with will result in a penalty and/or fine and suspension? Because it would really help the defensive players if they knew who is off-limits.
7. How and why do the Bengals keep making the playoffs?
8. Exactly how black is Russell Wilson?
9. Exactly how #blessed is Russell Wilson?
10. Has everyone been cheating against the Jaguars all these years? They can’t just lose that much on an even playing field, right?
11. After James Harrison, can anyone name a player on the Steelers defense?
12. Pass interference determines the outcome of most every NFL game now. So shouldn’t that be, like, a call that’s reviewable?
13. Should Philip Rivers’ semen be saved in case we ever need to repopulate the planet?
14. Does Tom Brady’s wife have a horseface or not?
15. Are some players and teams getting an unfair advantage due to God helping them win?
16. How long can a human withstand listening to Cris Collinsworth talk before being driven to madness?
17. Do the refs hate my favorite team or what?
18. Is Wes Welker’s brain too concussed to know it should tell Wes Welker he should retire?
19. Who really did 9/11?
(This investigation idea submitted by Pete Carroll.)
20. Are the Tennessee Titans a real NFL team? Has anyone actually ever seen them play? Or are they just some sort of placeholder in the standings?
21. On a scale of 1 to Peyton Manning, how much of a THUG is Colin Kaepernick?
22. Does Andy Dalton have a soul?
23. How is “Redskins” still a name for a team?
24. Is Joe Flacco ELITE?
25. What exactly does Roger Goodell do that any other guy in a suit couldn’t do for much less than $40 million a year?