A-Rod Announces Plans to Retire After He Tests Positive for Currently Undetectable Super-PED

TAMPA — New York Yankees slugger has announced his plans to retire from baseball at the conclusion of the 2017 season when his current contract retires or when he tests positive for the currently undetectable “super-PED” he is taking, whichever come first.

“I’ll be 41 years-old this season,” said Rodriguez. “I don’t have the energy I did when I was younger to fight a positive test and I can’t sit through another year-long suspension at this stage of my career. If or when I test positive, I’ll hang ’em up.”

Rodriguez says he doesn’t believe he will test positive anytime soon, though.

“The Yankees were paying me $32 million a few years ago and $21 million just last year,” said Rodriguez. “I dumped a huge portion of that into PED research and my team of chemists have assured me that baseball and doping agencies are at least five years from being able to discover what I’m on, let alone detect it.”

Later in the day, however, Rodriguez backed off a bit on his comments that he would definitely be done playing by the end of the 2017 season.

“These PEDs are the best I’ve ever been on,” said Rodriguez. “Maybe I can play another five or ten years with this Tyrannosaurus Rex DNA coursing through my veins.”

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