A-Rod announces retirement on his new website: CoolGuysTribune.net

NEW YORK — Alex Rodriguez announced his retirement from baseball today, simultaneously announcing that he has launched a new website designed to feature writing from “really cool guys and celebrities like me.” Rodriguez’s retirement post was the first on CoolGuysTribune.net, which the longtime slugger admitted is modeled after Derek Jeter’s The Players’ Tribune, but will be “way cooler and have way cooler guys.”

“Welcome to The Cool Guys Tribune,” Rodriguez wrote on his new site. “Your source for first-person stories from the coolest athletes. Don’t accept any imitators or competitors. They are less cool and probably run by people who weren’t nearly as good as baseball as the Publisher In Chief of Cool Guys Tribune, me: Alex Rodriguez. The greatest shortstop of all-time, even after I was moved away from shortstop to accommodate a far lesser player with a fragile ego.”

Rodriguez said he expects his new web venture to take up the bulk of his time in retirement.

“There have been sites like this before, but none with this type of access to the truly awesome,” he said. “I know it’s hard for people to relate to us or understand us, but hopefully this website can help.”

The Yankee said he believes the site will be a “window into the soul of the super-cool. Almost like a mirror upon which you can gaze longingly into their eyes, as I do into my own.”

Rodriguez also penned a short, 10-word piece for The Players’ Tribune, included here in its entirety:

“This site is dumb. Come to CoolGuysTribune .net. It’s way cooler.”