BREAKING: Texans, Raiders agree to hire Peyton Manning as all-time quarterback for their wildcard game

HOUSTON — Faced with the starting subpar quarterbacks in their opening wildcard game, the Houston Texans and Oakland Raiders have come to a first-of-its-kind agreement and will have football legend Peyton Manning serve as the QB for both teams during the game.

“Yesterday I caught myself legitimately praying that Tom Savage would be healthy so I don’t have to play Brock Osweiler,” said Texans head coach Bill O’Brien. “It was then that I knew I hit rock bottom. I knew Jack [Del Rio] had to be feeling the same way about choosing between Matt McGloin and Connor Cook, so I reached out to him and we made a deal.”

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After agreeing that they both needed help, Del Rio said the coaches then reached out to Peyton Manning.

“This is a guy who loves football and has to miss it and won a Super Bowl just a year ago,” said Del Rio. “Sure, he struggled a lot for most of last year, but I think we’d both take a rusty, 40 year-old Peyton Manning over Tom Savage or Matt McGloin at full capacity in their athletic primes … no offense to them, of course.”

Manning agreed to play all-time quarterback, but only if certain conditions were met. For example, all plays will be drawn up by Manning using his finger and hand before each snap; the pass rush may not come until three-Mississippi; only the victory will be counted towards his all-time playoff record; he will wear a special uniform covered in the logos for Papa John’s, Budweiser and Nationwide; and he has also asked to be placed on the Giants roster if they make the Super Bowl against the Patriots.

“He wants to be there, up-close to see his brother win a third Super Bowl over Tom Brady,” said his agent. “It would give him great joy.”

McGloin said he is content with Manning playing quarterback for the Raiders over him.

“Honestly, my career goal was just to collect solid paychecks as a backup or third-stringer for as long as possible,” he said. “I have no business playing in a playoff game and don’t want to be embarrassed in front of tens of millions of people. This is great for me, actually.”

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