Browns Threatening to Draft 12 Innocent Players to Play for the Browns

CHICAGO — The Cleveland Browns hold 12 picks in this year’s NFL draft and indications are the team will use all of them to doom the futures of 12 completely innocent young men.

“Oh, yes, we will be making 12 selections. In fact, we could make even more if we trade for more picks,” cackled general manager Sashi Brown, while rubbing his hands together menacingly. “No less than a dozen players shall not escape a Brownsian fate!”

For decades, Cleveland’s brown jersey has been considered a shroud of death at the NFL Draft, each player they select fated for a short and failed pro football career.

“We are defeated on the field, but undefeated in the draft!” proclaimed owner Jimmy Haslam, evilly playing an organ in his lair at the top of a volcano. “We have crushed the souls of countless young men and will do it again to 12 more!”

Cleveland currently holds the No. 8 pick in the 1st Round after trading back from No. 2 with the Eagles two weeks ago. Per the custom, Cleveland’s draft spot temporarily replaces 666 as the “Mark of the Beast.”

“Pity he who is called at eight,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “For he shall be afflicted with many turnovers, countless losses and a lifetime of humiliation!”