Cubs Offer 20% Off a Future Game Ticket to All Fans with Urine or Feces In Their Pants

CHICAGO — Opening Night at Wrigley Field saw Cubs fans wait in lines for the bathroom for two inning or more, while other fans opted out for the long lines and urinated into cups in dark corners of the old stadium. Today the Cubs are apologizing and saying they will compensate all Cubs fans who pissed or shit themselves during the 3–0 loss to the Cardinals.

“We apologize for the bathroom situation and we will make it right,” said club president Theo Epstein. “We won’t have more bathrooms or fully functioning bathrooms for … well, it’s going to be a while due to the ongoing Wrigley Field renovations. However, any Cubs fans who go to the Wrigley box office with a ticket stub from Opening Night and a pair of pants with urine or feces in them will receive 20-percent off the price of a ticket to a future Cubs game.”

Epstein said the team originally considered offering 50% off, but determined it wouldn’t be financially feasible.

“Even when all the bathrooms are up and running, lots of our fans piss and shit themselves anyway because they get so drunk,” said Epstein. “So there is really no way for us to know if the people bring their soiled pants to the box office legitimately couldn’t hold it anymore or just did it do to their regular drunkeness. We don’t want people gaming the system.”

Several Cubs fans in Wrigleyville say they appreciate the offer.

“I managed to not shit myself, but I do have vomit all over my chest,” said one fan. “I hope that counts.

“Looks like I’m going to basically get 20-percent off season tickets, because I plan to piss myself every game!” said another.

Wrigley’s renovations won’t relieve the bathroom issue for quite some time, so the Cubs have also announced they will begin selling commemorative 2015 Wrigley Field Renovation Urine Cups, allowing fans to relieve themselves while seated and watching the action.

“When you have limitations, you have to work around them,” said Epstein. “I learned that winning championships with the Red Sox and I’ve brought the same mentality here. I just hope the team starts winning or our players are going to get pelted with cups full of urine.”