God announces plans to actively conspire against the Golden State Warriors
HEAVEN — God, the creator of the heavens and the earth, made known His plans today to openly conspire against the Golden State Warriors during the 2016–2017 season.
“Messing with sports outcomes is what I do in My Me time and, o course, I’m usually more into football,” the Holy Being declared. “You all know my work with Russell Wilson and Tim Tebow over the years, along with many other teams and players. But I felt it was time to throw My weight around a bit in the NBA as a counter to all this ‘super-team’ stuff and Golden State adding Kevin Durant. The Warriors are trying to guarantee a title. But I’m the only one who determines the future. Don’t forget that.”
God said He has no set plans yet on how He will mess with the Warriors, but He expects it to be very enjoyable to watch.
“I’ll give them a few gruesome injuries probably. They’re fun to do,” said The Divine. “But I want to change it up, too. Mess with them. What if all their water bottles get filled with blood? Oooh! Oooh! Or what if I do something with locusts? Yeah, like maybe Steph Curry is chewing on his mouthpiece, only it transforms into a locust and then his mouth gets all full of locust guts or whatever and he starts throwing up all over his teammates. That would be hilarious. Anyway, I’m still workshopping it.”
God admitted He is feeling especially vengeful in the wake of His recent benevolence.
“I finally let the people of Cleveland feel joy. I figured I was pulling of the legs of that bug for too long, you know?” said the All-Good and Eternal. “But now that that’s over with, I have a hankering to screw with people again. Like, maybe Steph Curry sprains his ankle so bad his foot snaps off and it’s just his ugly dad shoe laying on the court with blood all over it and his severed foot inside while he’s screaming and writhing in pain? I don’t know. Maybe that’s too much. I still have a few months to come up with stuff.”
He then added, while launching a mid-sized lightning bolt off the roof of Oracle Arena: “People really want the Warriors to lose now, and making it happen will be great for My brand.”