Grayson Allen to undergo treatment for severe case of affluenza

DURHAM, NC — Duke junior guard Grayson Allen will be away from the Blue Devils team for an indefinite amount of time to receive treatment for a severe case of affluenza. Head coach Mike Krzyzewski confirmed the news today while speaking to reporters.

“Grayson is one of those guys who has had a tougher upbringing that a lot of people understand,” said the coach. “He’s had everything from an early age, his parents had a lot of money, he never wanted for anything, and life has come easy to him. He struggles to relate to people who aren’t wealthy and good at sports. Lots of people think it’s only hard to grow up with nothing. That’s not true. I see kids battling affluenza every day here at Duke. It’s a real problem and we wish Grayson well in his fight.”

Duke staffers have been pushing Allen to receive treatment since last year due to him repeatedly kicking and lashing out at other players when things don’t go his way. But they met resistance from Allen and his parents who insisted everyone was “just jealous” of the player “and out to get him because white Christian males are not appreciated in American society anymore, it’s sad to say.” But Allen finally agreed to seek treatment after Krzyzewski threatened to suspend him after his latest tantrum.

As part of Allen’s treatment, he will have to speak to a student who is not on scholarship, take one short trip on public transportation, eat a meal at a Burger King and go an entire day without his parents’ credit card.

“It should be a real eye-opening experience for him,” said Krzyzewski. “I didn’t want it to come to this. There’s really nothing Grayson has done wrong. It’s more that he just expects society to meet his standards and, unfortunately, that’s just not always possible. So he needs to adjust things a little bit.”

If Allen successfully completes his affluenza treatment, his parents have promised to deposit an additional $100,000 in his checking account.

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