Head mosquito resigns after mosquitoes have disappointing performance in Rio

RIO DE JANEIRO — The top mosquito announced it is stepping down today after Rio’s millions of mosquitoes failed to make an impact at the Rio Olympics.

The insects were much-hyped before the Games and were expected to be one of the big stories during the 2016 Summer Games, but failed to medal and — at least according to early reports — were unable infect even one of the more than 10,000 Olympians that came to Brazil.

“Bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz,” the top mosquito told reporters. “I think a lot of us got too overconfident before the Games started and weren’t mentally ready to step up when it mattered. Those of us who can read were reading our headlines. And that’s on me. Bzzzz.”

The mosquito chief also said she did not do enough during her tenure to ease mosquito concerns that they can die after sucking a human’s blood.

“Bzzzz there’s a lot of misinformation out there about that bzzzz,” said the mosquito. “But we don’t actually die upon biting a human. Unfortunately, there are a lot of low-information mosquitoes out there. Whoever takes my place will have to address that.”

The mosquitoes’ poor performance in Rio, which was probably only trumped by Team Russia’s failures, said her biggest regret was failing to infect Ryan Lochte.

“Maybe if he gets Zika, he doesn’t breed,” buzzed the mosquito. “That’s a win-win for us and humans. I’m sorry we let everyone bzzzz down.”

The press conference then ended when the mosquito was smashed against the podium by a rolled up newspaper.