Home Depot associate clearly too shitty of an athlete to make it to the Olympics
DEARBORN, MI — A Home Depot associate working today obviously sucks at sports since he’s not in Rio, but walking the floor at the Fairlane North Shopping Center store location in Dearborn, Michigan.
The helpful athletic failure took you to the Aisle 6 to find paint for your upstairs hallway, a no doubt humiliating stroll for him as you realized that he does not possess the abilities to represent our nation at the Olympics. He had enough strength to get a gallon of Dawn Gray paint off the shelf, but not enough to hurl a shot put through the air for the glory of America.
The man’s name tag included the words “KEVIN” and “MANAGER,” noticeably leaving out such terms as OLYMPIAN, GOLD MEDAL WINNER or SUCCESS.
“It must have been hard for you to come in to work today, huh?” you asked Kevin, trying to be sympathetic to his public humiliation.
“Saturdays? Nah, I don’t mind working the weekends. I get Mondays and Wednesdays off,” he replied with a smile, too shamed to acknowledge the awkward, wildly unathletic elephant in the room.
Nearby, another Home Depot worker walked quickly towards the carpet department, but far slower than someone like Usain Bolt can go — hence the employee not making it to Rio.
“Can I help you with anything else?” asked Kevin.
“No, just the paint. Thanks,” you said, pushing your cart down the aisle with the power of a champion bobsled pusher.