Joe Paterno Supporters Stress Joe Paterno Statue Never Knew About Child Sex Abuse

STATE COLLEGE, PENN. — In the wake of a report surfacing that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno may have been aware that his defensive coordinator was a serial child rapist as early as 1976, supporters of the coach are doubling down on their demand to have his trophy put back in its original location outside Beaver Stadium.

“Fine, if you want to make the case that Joe was a callous monster who enabled the destruction of lives over decades, go right ahead,” said one blue-and white-clad Penn State alum shopping on College Avenue today. “There’s some evidence to support that, sure. But tell me one thing that statue ever did to anyone? Is there a single instance of the statue knowing about all the sexual abuse in 1999 or 1976 or ever? Statues can’t even hear, okay?”

A fellow Paterno supporter, Jeff Harris, who runs the popular downtown State College store Penn State Cult Collectibles & Gift Shoppe, said the latest allegations prove that the Paterno statue is the real victim.

“Fine, I’ll say it: Jerry Sandusky may have been a bad guy, okay?” said Harris. “Although I’m pretty sure lots of the accusers who came forward were just trying to get money and tarnish the impeccable name of Penn State and Joe Paterno out of jealousy. But even Sandusky is allowed to live in jail. Yet while not a single allegation of wrongdoing has ever been leveled against Joe’s statue, it basically got the death penalty. This is the greatest injustice the world has ever seen.”

At the time of publishing, an online petition demanding Sandusky’s victims step forward to say that the Paterno statue never abused anyone or harbored Sandusky and or enabled his access to young boys for 35 years had 107,000 signatures.

“Don’t let whatever may (or may not) have happened to you years ago ruin the future of an innocent statue,” stated the petition. “WE ARE not going to let this go!”

The petition also states that Penn State’s 7–5 record in 1976 should be changed to 12–0 because “it wasn’t fair that teams got to play Penn State while Joe was busy covering up child sex crimes done by his defensive coordinator. Joe didn’t have 409 wins, he had 414!”