More Mature Patrick Kane Gets Blackout Drunk on $1,300 Bottles of Bordeaux


CHICAGO — The days of Patrick Kane stumbling from bar to bar are over. The 26-year old, three-time Stanley Cup winner proved as much in the hours following Chicago’s latest title, eschewing cheap beer from nine, $1,300 bottles of Bordeaux.

“I’ve never seen someone exhibit such taste when guzzling wine directly from the bottle,” said Tyra Malloy, a server who waited on Kane’s table at an upscale Lake Shore Drive wine bar late Monday night. “He didn’t order the most expensive bottles either, he ordered the best. He really knew what he was doing. I was very impressed by everything he did before he passed out.”

A patron at the same venue said Kane threw up all over him.

“He was talking to me about some Zhou Chunya paintings he had recently purchased and then out of nowhere he barfed everywhere,” said the man. “His vomit reeked of class. It smelled like fine wine and Corinthian leather. And, of course, he graciously apologized to me for coating me in a spray of puke. But I didn’t mind at all. There’s a big difference between vomit of refinement as opposed to the puke of a low-class person. It’s practically a delicacy.”

Kane showed he has matured in his choice of women, as well. Whereas in the past he may have hooked up with any attractive, busty, young girl, last night he was making out in a corner booth with an attractive, busty, young girl who is working towards a degree at Northwestern.

“Show me your upper ventral region,” Kane was overheard asking the girl, using the anatomical term for the breast region. “Then let’s have coitus.”

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