Most Phillies Not Expected to Return After Escaping Team Over All-Star Break

PHILADELPHIA — Philadelphia Phillies management is preparing to deal with a decimated roster after receiving numerous reports that many players who have been able to get away from the team during the All-Star break plan to never return.

“I’ve been counting down the days to the All-Star break for months,” said outfielder Cody Asche, speaking on a cell phone while speeding in a car south through Mexico. “I’ve been counting down the days to sweet freedom. I am never going back there. Never. I’m alive! I FEEL SO ALIVE!”

As soon as the team plane returned to Philadelphia late Sunday night from a road trip in San Francisco, several players sprinted off the tarmac in various directions. Veteran second baseman Chase Utley was among that group, but pulled up several yards away from the plane with a strained hamstring.

Other players who originally planned to return to the team say they have reconsidered.

“I thought I wanted to keep playing baseball no matter how bad we are. I played it my whole life,” said third baseman Maikel Franco. “But these last two days away from the Phillies? They have been amazing. Why would I ever choose to go back there? Life is too short to spend a single day as a Philadelphia Phillie.”

The Phillies are scheduled to return to action on Friday at home against the Marlins, but will likely only have Utley, first baseman Ryan Howard, who will continue to report to the team to receive his large contract, and pitchers Cole Hamels and Jonathan Papelbon, who are both hoping to get traded.

“It doesn’t matter if we only have one or two guys out there,” said general manager Ruben Amaro. “I guarantee you the quality of play won’t suffer. Consider it a promise.”