NBA Players Sue League for Ignoring Years of Dickhead Trauma

NEW YORK — More than 100 current and former NBA players have sued the league in U.S. District Court in Manhattan for doing little to limit groin attacks and ignoring research that found nutshots hurt really bad.

The NBA has seen a dramatic increase in direct hits to the testes in recent years, but players claim the league has not taken blows to the ball bag seriously. The league has had a problem with testicular trauma for years thanks to the presence of serial tool targeters like Chris Paul in the NBA, but the 2016 playoffs have brought even more mainstream attention to this issue thanks to Draymond Green of the Warriors and Matthew Dellavedova of the Cavaliers conducting high-profile penis punishment.

The lawsuit claims the NBA has not taken efforts to protect players’ junk and has charged the league with seeing dick demolitions as “humorous,” pointing to many league partner websites and TV networks that have treated rod rage as funny or trivial. The lawsuit also charges the league has quashed research into the negative impact of dickhead trauma, pointing to the fact the NBA has not funded a single schwanz study.

“Not only are punches and punts to the penis painful,” said Thunder center Steven Adams, who is the lead plaintiff, “but they lead to an immediate change in mood and have wide-ranging impact in that they cause millions of men watching around the world to grimace and become instantly nauseous.”

NBA commissioner Adam Silver said the issue and the lawsuit is no laughint matter, despite the fact that he did not suspend Green or Dellavedova for their literal ball busting.

“I take nutshots very seriously,” said the commissioner. “It is a very personal issue for me. I look like a penis with glasses, so of course this matters to me.”

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