NBC Planning to Cut Cris Collinsworth After Poor Preseason Performance

NEW YORK — According to numerous reports, NBC is planning to cut longtime color commentator Cris Collinsworth when the network sets its final NFL broadcast team before the regular season opens on September 10th.

A NBC Sports executive confirmed the network is likely to let Collinsworth go.

“We appreciate what he’s done for us over the years, but we just didn’t think he was performing for us in the preseason the way someone making his kind of money needs to perform,” said the source. “We can replace him with someone cheaper and younger and get just as much production, if not more. It’s time to move on.”

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Collinsworth has struggled mightily during the preseason, showing an increased reliance on pregame storyline regardless of what happened during his games, repeatedly overstating the abilities of players, ignoring line play, incorrectly predicting challenge outcomes, talking over broadcast partner Al Michaels and saying completely incorrect things as though they were fact. There is also the continued issue, which he has struggled with his entire career, of having an annoying voice.

“Cris is a big name and releasing him will be a story, we know that,” said a Sunday Night Football producer. “If it was just one bad performance, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it’s been sustained. We want to take the air on Week 1 with our best broadcast team, and I just don’t think having Cris on the roster anymore gives us that.”

Collinsworth says he’s not ready to call it a career.

“Even if the reports are true, I’m just going to keep talking about football,” he said. “Talking and talking and talking and talking. I’ll talk even when I have nothing interesting to say. It’s what I do.”

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Next Story — Blaine Gabbert announces he thinks America is “pretty great, actually”
Currently Reading - Blaine Gabbert announces he thinks America is “pretty great, actually”

Blaine Gabbert announces he thinks America is “pretty great, actually”

SAN FRANCISCO — Blaine Gabbert may have locked up the starting quarterback job in San Francisco today by announcing that he happens to hold the opinion that America is “pretty darn great.”

“I know some other people may not be real big on America,” said Gabbert. “And that’s their opinion. They have that right. But, I don’t know, I just think it’s … good, you know? That’s just me, Blaine Gabbert, saying that I like America and the people who live in America. For whatever that’s worth.”

Gabbert’s comments come after fellow 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick told the NFL Network that he will not stand for the national anthem before games in protest of how African-Americans are treated in the United States. Head coach Chip Kelly said he very much appreciated Kaepernick taking a stand, so to speak.

“In this country, we have a right to say and do what we want to,” said Kelly. “That is all that Colin is doing and I respect that. Also, I appreciate that he is taking a stand as a black American. This whole time I wasn’t sure if he was black or white or, like, Spanish or something. But I’m pretty sure he’s black now. So, yeah, Blaine Gabbert is our starting quarterback.”

Next Story — Raiders ask their fans to mug people and rob banks to raise $750 million for new stadium
Currently Reading - Raiders ask their fans to mug people and rob banks to raise $750 million for new stadium

Raiders ask their fans to mug people and rob banks to raise $750 million for new stadium

OAKLAND — Financial backers for the new Raiders stadium in Las Vegas say they need no less than a record $750 million in public financing in order to complete the project, a large ask the team has decided to take directly to its passionate and mostly criminal fanbase.

“Ideally, we don’t want to burden the taxpayers in Las Vegas with the cost of a new stadium,” said team owner Mark Davis. “So thankfully this franchise has a unique situation in that our fans know how to get cash in a pinch. They’re not Wall Street types or Silicon Valley venture capitalists. They make money the more old-fashioned way: robbery, theft, selling meth, killing people for 300 bucks. I think they can do this for us.”

Raiders head coach Jack Del Rio said he is optimistic about the team’s fans raising the $750 million.

“I’ve only been here a little more than a year, but I know that Raiders fans are as passionate and terrifying as any in the league,” he said. “And I mean truly terrifying. Like, I wouldn’t be alone with them. But they can raise this money, I know they can. I look at is as kind of like passing the hat through the bleachers, only the bleachers are full of people out on parole.”

So far the fundraising has had mixed success. One fan donated $3 in lunch money he stole from a second grader, while another has kidnapped quarterback Derek Carr and has threatened to cut off his arm if the Raiders follow through on their plans to leave Oakland.

Next Story — Cowboys confident that broken off pieces of Tony Romo can start at QB in a pinch
Currently Reading - Cowboys confident that broken off pieces of Tony Romo can start at QB in a pinch

Cowboys confident that broken off pieces of Tony Romo can start at QB in a pinch

DALLAS — Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo suffered his first of what will inevitably be dozens of injuries this season when he was knocked out of a preseason last night after taking a glancing blow to the back.

The sight of Romo face-first on the ground, grabbing at his back and writhing in pain after just the third offensive play of the game reminded most Cowboys fans that their rapidly-aging, 36-year old quarterback is likely to shatter into several hundred pieces at the slightest contact. But team owner and president Jerry Jones said he is confident the Cowboys will be fine even if, or when, Romo breaks.

“The advancements made in medicine and prosthetics over the years, and even in the last few years since Tony started getting hurt all the time, are amazing,” said Jones. “I’ve even looked into cloning another quarterback from a broken off piece of collarbone. They’re close to being able to do it.”

After Romo, the Cowboys have just Kellen Moore and rookie Dak Prescott on the depth chart at quarterback, a seemingly risky position for a team that fancies itself a Super Bowl contender. Jones says that failing to address his team’s QB situation wasn’t due to negligence on his part, but because there weren’t better options out there.

“Look at some of the names out there: Charlie Whitehurst, Michael Vick, Josh Freeman,” said Jones. “Is anyone honestly going to tell me any of them are better than rigging up Tony’s femur to some sort of catapult device that can launch footballs? I really don’t think so. That’s what you get in an experienced quarterback like Tony: even his severed body parts have that veteran moxie to still make plays when you need them.”

Romo believes he will be able to avoid the injury bug this year, however.

“I’m in good shape and I’m excited about the season,” he said before screaming out in pain as his jaw dislocated from the act of speech.

Next Story — If Chargers don’t meet demands, Joey Bosa prepared to find work with Ohio State degree in Tackling…
Currently Reading - If Chargers don’t meet demands, Joey Bosa prepared to find work with Ohio State degree in Tackling…

If Chargers don’t meet demands, Joey Bosa prepared to find work with Ohio State degree in Tackling Studies

SAN DIEGO — Joey Bosa’s contract holdout shows no sign of ending after the San Diego Chargers publicly announced yesterday that all future offers they make will be for less money than what has currently been offered because Bosa is now unable to make a full-season contribution to the team.

But the №3 overall pick has called his prospective employer’s bluff, saying that he is prepared to use his Ohio State education and find work in his field of study until his NFL career begins.

“I went to one of the best academic institutions in all of Ohio in Ohio State and I majored in Tackling Studies for three years,” Bosa said today. “And armed with a world class education in that field, I can get a great job in any number of exciting industries such as … being a bouncer. Or perhaps working stadium security at Chargers games. Also others, probably. It doesn’t have to be football. The Chargers need to know that I have as many as two other options.”

Bosa said he received straight 4.0s at Ohio State, and even produced a recommendation from one of his former professors. It read, in its entirety: “Joey, you are really good at tackling. I love how you grab the other guys and throw them to the ground. A+ for you again! Your professor (lol!), Urban Meyer.”

If his Tacking Studies degree doesn’t land a job right away, Bosa said he will look for work using his Ohio State minor: Rushin’ the Passer History.

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