NFL Owners Vote Down Rule Proposed by Jaguars That Teams Stop Beating the Jaguars So Much

PHOENIX — NFL owners voted at their annual meeting this week to allow for medical timeouts and end TV blackouts, but several other proposals by teams were not approved.

Among them included the Patriots proposal to make all plays reviewable, the Colts wanting to change the scoring system, and the Jaguars requesting that the other teams please stop being so mean to them.

Jacksonville’s proposal was voted down 31–1. The owners of the Raiders, Jets, Browns, Bills, Redskins and Titans asked me be included in the rule, but refused to support it when Jaguars’ owner Shahid Khan insisted the rule focus solely on his team.

“Come on, we are clearly the shittiest franchise and we need some mercy,” said Khan. “I’m not asking to put us in the playoffs. Just let us win more than two or three games a year. Why does everyone have to be so mean to us? Aren’t we in this together? I thought there was supposed to be parity? How is there parity if we’re always terrible? What am I missing?”

But Browns owner Jimmy Haslam insisted that his franchise was the shittiest, only to get in a shouting match with Raiders owner Mark Davis, who claimed his was the “shittiest of all.”

“What are all of you talking about,” yelled Terry Pegula. “We’re the BILLS!”

Several punches were thrown in the confrontation, all of which missed.

While the owners of the Jaguars, Jets, Bills, Browns, Raiders, Redskins and Titans were fighting, other NFL owners voted 25–0, with seven not present, to continue keeping how to be good at football secret from the Jaguars, Jets, Bills, Browns, Raiders, Redskins and Titans .