Orioles all dead after Buck Showalter has Ubaldo Jimenez pilot team plane back to Baltimore

TORONTO — Canadian authorities confirmed today that every member of the Baltimore Orioles died when their plane crashed almost instantly after takeoff from Toronto Pearson International Airport last night following the team’s wildcard loss to the Blue Jays. Investigators have already confirmed that the crash was due to pilot error, caused by manager Buck Showalter inexplicably choosing pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez to pilot the plane.

“I think you ideally want to go with a trained pilot in that situation,” said Jeff Mangeleaux, lead investigator for the Transportation Safety Board of Canada. “But according to cockpit recordings, Showalter felt Jimenez was the right choice. He thought it would boost his confidence after the game and, if need be, he planned to have an actual pilot land the plane in Baltimore. Sadly, they never made it that far. They barely even made it off the ground.”

Authorities have not yet released audio from the black box, but Mangeleaux said just as the recording cuts out, Showalter can be heard screaming: “THEY’D CALL ME A GENIUS IF THIS HAD WORKED!”

While pilot error will be noted as the official cause for the crash, Canadian investigators stressed that the true cause of the tragedy is Showalter “who may be the biggest idiot of all-time.”