Raiders ask their fans to mug people and rob banks to raise $750 million for new stadium

OAKLAND — Financial backers for the new Raiders stadium in Las Vegas say they need no less than a record $750 million in public financing in order to complete the project, a large ask the team has decided to take directly to its passionate and mostly criminal fanbase.

“Ideally, we don’t want to burden the taxpayers in Las Vegas with the cost of a new stadium,” said team owner Mark Davis. “So thankfully this franchise has a unique situation in that our fans know how to get cash in a pinch. They’re not Wall Street types or Silicon Valley venture capitalists. They make money the more old-fashioned way: robbery, theft, selling meth, killing people for 300 bucks. I think they can do this for us.”

Raiders head coach Jack Del Rio said he is optimistic about the team’s fans raising the $750 million.

“I’ve only been here a little more than a year, but I know that Raiders fans are as passionate and terrifying as any in the league,” he said. “And I mean truly terrifying. Like, I wouldn’t be alone with them. But they can raise this money, I know they can. I look at is as kind of like passing the hat through the bleachers, only the bleachers are full of people out on parole.”

So far the fundraising has had mixed success. One fan donated $3 in lunch money he stole from a second grader, while another has kidnapped quarterback Derek Carr and has threatened to cut off his arm if the Raiders follow through on their plans to leave Oakland.