Report: God’s Plan Involves His Loyal Servant Being Behind Mark Sanchez on a Depth Chart Again

PHILADELPHIA — God has decided to give Tim Tebow another job that forces him to hold a clipboard and stand behind Mark Sanchez, a humiliation his humble servant is trying to accept without questioning.

“Each day I strive to serve God,” said Tebow, who has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Eagles, with whom he’ll backup Sam Bradford and Sanchez. “He has blessed me with so much. My health. A loving family and friends. He has not chosen to bless me in football. I mean, being behind Sanchez again? Come on, right? But I have to trust God’s plan.”

Tebow was also buried on the depth chart behind Sanchez with the New York Jets in 2012 and didn’t even get to start when Sanchez was benched. Now he’s stuck behind the player mockingly called “The Sanchise” again.

“Obviously, when I get to the Pearly Gates one day and see the face of my Lord and Savior, the first thing I’m going to ask is: ‘Really? All the time behind Sanchez? How did I deserve that? I may not have been a perfect quarterback, but I’m better than flippin’ Sanchise, Jesus.’ Oh, how I pray I get straight answer, because it’s reeeeeeaaaalllly hard to deal with sometimes, you know? I mean, I’m, like, REALLY GOOD. I don’t drink. I don’t curse. I don’t covet neighbors’ wives. I’m not a glutton. None of that. And yet I keep getting stuck behind Sanchise? Darn it!”

The Heisman winner says he has consulted his pastor on how to work through his frustrations.

“We talked about all the great men of God that God tested,” said Tebow. “So many trials and tribulations. Plagues. Floods. The deaths of children. But, yeah, my pastor couldn’t find one example in the Bible of anyone getting jobbed as bad as being stuck behind Sanchez on a depth chart. So that was hard to hear.”

Tebow said he has his suspicions about why God is doing this to him.

“If I’m buried behind even Sanchez, I’ll never get in a game,” said Tebow. “Then God doesn’t have to tell Russell Wilson that he can’t always help just him win games on Sundays. I think it’s sort of a heavenly time management thing that’s screwing me here. Apologies for my language. God bless.”